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Library Jennifer, the Unattainable
07-17-2006
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" ... The unrequited dream, A song that no one sings, The unattainable. She's a myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason."
--Corey Taylor, on Slipknot's Vermilion Pt. 2

In the Fall of 1999, my schedule at Iowa State University on Monday/Wednesday/Friday had me enrolled in Social Psycholgy in Mackay Hall at 10am, and ComSci 207 (C++ Programming) in Lagomarcino at noon. My time from 10:50a.m. - 12:10p.m. would be occupied by me going to the library and sitting in the huge oversized chairs in the entrance. To paint the setting for you of this amazing place, picture an entrance to a four story library. Off to the right immediately when you enter are about 15-20 large chairs layed out in an L shape. ("X" Marks the Spot) Behind the chairs are enormous glass windows, which had enormous green trees in the summers, and blowing snow in the winters. Rushing by in & out of the library at any point would be nerds rushing to the computers, professors carrying their briefases, the girl wearing pajama pants who just woke up, the preppy frat guys in their sweatshirts and torn-up hats with fish hooks on them, girls wearing too much makeup, foreign kids speaking languages I've never even heard of, newspapers scattered across the floor, an occasional friend of mine going to a group meeting who'd stop by, conversations between others about the lecture they just came from, and people doing last-minute cramming for that exam they hope to pass. College life could be summed up stricly by sitting here and taking everything in for an hour.

Whenever at this mini-Eden, I would put my headphones on and people-watch, read the Iowa State Daily, do a crossword puzzle, or sleep. Throughout college, I cherished this time. I'd literally try to make my schedule have a one-hour gap in it sometime in the late morning strictly so I could go sit here. This place is one of the things I miss the most about my time at Iowa State. Someone from Ethos magazine asked me one day what I was listening to on my headphones while there, and they printed that along with my picture in their next publication. The only reason I bring this up is because it's the only known picture of me sitting in the ISU library near this place I speak so dearly of. They actually used my picture as the background for the whole page, it's pretty cool, check it.

In the early weeks of this Fall 1999 semester, it was a Friday, likely the second Friday of the school year, I was about my normal routine when she walked in. My first glimpse of a neverending obsession. The long brown hair flowing, the green tube top, the white pants; I had spotted the physically ideal woman. The look on her face that only the truly sexy can pull off, she wasn't smiling but wasn't frowning, she was just gazing into nothingness as she walked in and sat on the other side of "The L" that I was on. If it's ever happened in my life, this would be the first time the mere site of a woman made my heart skip a beat. My headphones were immediately taken off so I could hear her if she said anything. After an hour of pure awe and while packing up my backpack to leave, she stood up to leave seconds before I did. She walked out inches in front of me and started walking the same path as I. She hung a right into Mackay Hall, and I continued on my way to C++ class, where I didn't hear a word Mr. Tomlinson said as I questioned in my head over and over again if I'd see her again in my favorite place on ISU's campus.

Monday came, and around 11a.m., I found myself in a familiar spot. Luckily I got the last chair in "The L". Lady Luck was looking out for me on this day, because moments after I sat down, in she walked. The very second she walked in, the seat next to me opened up and she approached me to ask if the seat was taken. Milliseconds later, she was sitting next to me. On this particular day she was wearing very dark blue jeans, a very nice purple shirt, and some eye makeup that matched the shirt. To this day, every time I think of her, she is wearing this outfit in my mind. To me, she looked every bit as good as Laetitia Casta in every way. I noticed she wasn't reading or studying, just people-watching. I had been doing the same and had prepared myself for this moment and the possibility of talking with her by not bringing my discman this particular day. After working up some courage and while slouching in my seat, I gazed her way and simply said, "So are you just killing time or do you have a reason to be here?" It turned out she had the same break as me, 10a.m. class and a noon class with an hour between to kill. Coinsidentally, the class she had at noon is the one I had at 10am. Something in common. "My name is Bryan." "Hi, Bryan, I'm Jennifer." My mind thought, "Jennifer, I promise you I will never forget you."

We talked for the hour break. We were the same age (pathetically, I still remember her birthday), she just transferred from Iowa, and she lived in the same apartment complex as a friend. I still recall her last name, home town, major, etc., but I won't list any of that or details about her as it's irrelevant. I offered to walk her to class as we were going the same way. The smile and the positive response made me wish I had some Depends on as the excitement was close to leaking from my body. It's only about a two minute walk, but I prepped her for what class involved that day since I had just sat through the lecture she was en route to. When we reached her building, I simply said, "See you Wednesday?" With a smile, she said, "Yup! Nice to meet you." Let me just say that I'm lucky computer programming comes naturally to me, because the remainder of the semester, my entire C++ class at noon was filled with me daydreaming of this beautiful dream girl.

I worked at Panel Components at the time, and every day I went in from this point on, I told the girls at work what I talked to Jennifer about. They were encouraging me to ask her out, but I had no confidence as this girl was just too amazing and could pick anybody. I'll flat-out tell you right now that I never was able to muster up the courage to ask her out, and it's one of my biggest regrets I'll ever have. I figured I didn't want to become friends with her, as once you're on that level it's hard to convert. My goal was to run into her someplace social when we both ended up there together randomly, and getting some liquid courage. This moment never happened, but for no reason other than I was a complete chicken-shit every time the opportunity came up.

Wednesday came along, and when Jennifer walked in, with a smile, she sat down next to me. We immediately started talking. Suddenly, an idea sparked in my mind, a very simple and genius idea. "I'm going to run over to the Hub to get something to drink, do you want anything?" Jennifer replied with, "No thanks, I don't drink pop." Without even thinking, and for some reason wanting to have something in common, I blurted out, "Me either, I'm going to get a water." This couldn't have been further from the truth. She declined as she had one with her in her bag, but I left and bought a bottled water. Shocked, I couldn't believe I lied to her. I drank upwards of 3 pops a day. Once you lie to someone, in my opinion, the relationship is over. I decided to do what any normal person would do (note: extreme sarcasm). While walking to the Hub to get my water, I vowed to not drink pop any more so what I told her wouldn't be a lie. This was almost 7 years ago (holy shit, was it really?! I'm getting way too old.), since then, I've had maybe 5 pops. Hence, the tangent story & 100% truthful reason why I don't drink pop.

Early October rolled around, and I asked Jennifer what her weekend plans entailed. She was going to UNI's homecoming. They say only two things in life are guaranteed, death and taxes. For me, there is a third: I go to UNI's homecoming every year if I'm living in Iowa. After discovering she'd be there, I wanted to find out more specifics. She said they always hang out at Sharky's on the hill (a "19 and over" bar). This was getting eerie as that's exactly what we had planned. "We should be there too, I've got a fake (ID) so I'll buy you a drink if I run into you." Jennifer smiles and replies with "I have a fake too, but I'll let you buy me one anyways." I didn't find her all weekend, I was distraught and very disappointed. Upon my return to Ames the next week, there was no Jennifer in sight all week at the library. What was going on here?! Did she not want to find me at UNI? Did she drop her noon class? Was she not going to be in the library any more? I was in panic mode, I needed my fix of this lovely woman!

After a short hiatus, Jennifer returned and sat across from me instead of next to me, it was as if she didn't know who I was. With all the confidence in the world, I got up and moved to sit next to her, she said hi but looked distracted. I asked if she had fun at UNI's homecoming and she said she never went. It turns out she had a family emergency and had been with her family for the past week. I didn't press or ask her any details as it wasn't any of my business, but she started offering everything to me. She told me everything and I truly felt horrible for her. You could tell she was very bothered and had no business being back at Iowa State yet. I offered her my sympathy, walked her to class, and told her she knew where to find me if she wanted to talk. I was going to offer her my phone number, but it just felt like a bad time to do this.

Early November approached. Jennifer had returned to her normal self, and my daydreams had never subsided. I still talked nonstop about her at work, still obsessed with her during C++ class, and still started to tense up and get adrenaline flowing as I approached the library doors. I sat by & talked to her about 75% of the days I spent in the library. Hornick talked to her once in awhile too as he was in the same class as me so sometimes came to walk with us as noon approached. Then one day, something weird happened. I had always been the one asking Jennifer questions, and she obvioiusly liked conversing with me, but she started asking me my plans. I was thrilled by this as she was showing interest in me! She asked what my weekend plans were, I said "Well, for home football games, we're usually tailgating by 6a.m. at the latest, so we'll be out at the DL on Friday night then tailgating all day on Saturday." Imagine this, Jennifer was also going to be tailgating bright and early. This was my big chance.

I worked Fridays until 7:00, and talked all night about how I was going to get to see Library Jennifer the next morning. The only one of my friends who had ever seen her was Hornick, but Ty (who I worked with at Panel) wanted to see her so he said he'd tailgate and leave our group with me to go find her. I had a plan, I had my girl in a social setting, I had more nervousness in my system than ever before. After tailgating for an hour or so, around 7:30 Tyler and I decided to go find my girl. One row behind us, and about 10 cars back, I saw her in the distance. Jennifer and 4 girls holding beers and sitting in lounge chairs. We were about 50 feet from her when she takes off running, she jumps insanely excitedly into a guy's arms and kisses him smack dab on the lips. In a dream world, this guy was me. Unfortunately, today I wasn't living my own dream. We're not talking an enormous kiss or anything, but it was more than a friendly kiss. Tyler just looks at me and says "ooooooh, fuck." I think he was as upset for me as I was upset. I just looked at him, my heart sank, and without saying anything, we both turned around and walked back to our area. I sat secluded and drank in the parking lot for the rest of the afternoon, I never went up to talk to her. The following Monday in the library, she said to me "I saw you at the tailgate! Why didn't you come talk to me?" I don't know what I replied, but I have two things in mind at this point:
1) Because you are obviously taken.
2) If you saw me, why didn't you come talk to me?

From this point on, I continued to daydream about her nonstop. With my heart and chances decimated in my mind, I couldn't muster up the courage to ask if she had a boyfriend (or more realistically, if she would like to upgrade from current guy to me!). My mental state was now at a level where she seemed untouchable. I stopped pursuing her. I treated her as a fantasy, but continued to talk to her (albeit, very nervously) whenever I saw her or sat by her. I continued to walk her to class and continued my daydreaming through Mr. T's C++ ComSci 207 class in Lago.

Every Thursday night for 2 1/2 years, I went to Hunky Dory's out in East Ames. Hunky's is an enormous country bar with a $5 cover and free beer until midnight. Lloyd was a bouncer there, we knew all the waitresses and bartenders, and Christian was the DJ (and Hart eventually took his place). We'd arrive with a group of anywhere between 5-20 people at Hunky's promptly when it opened and drink free beer, eat popcorn, play foosball, and watch the line dancers. College guys are poor, so the fact that we tipped the waitresses each time they came to our tables to give us a refill quickly labeled us as the favorite regulars of the wait staff. We were kings of Hunky Dory's and everyone knew our group and could count on us being there each week. In any given situation, we had utmost confidence in that place. If a fight broke out, we'd win. If foosball was being played, we'd win. If there was a line to get in, we got in through the back door. If there was an attractive woman in the bar, she'd be sitting with us or know us by the end of the night. Between our connections, loyalty to the bar, and our personalities, we owned that damn place. When Hornick pointed out one night that Jennifer was there, I felt like an insignificant piece of drivel who didn't deserve to be there. She was so far above me in my mind and, even after having talked to her for several months regularly, I flat-out couldn't get the courage, even in my most confident setting, to go talk to her at the bar. Hornick would go talk to her for me and she'd ask him if I were there, he'd say yes, but I never talked to her.

After the Fall semester was over, I again made my class schedule with a library break between the same hours. For some reason, I just knew Jennifer would be there again next semester at the same time. I was wrong. After that semester, there was a handful of times I laid eyes on her, but I never again spoke with her during my days at ISU.

Fast forward to late-summer of 2002. I am now the most confident man in the world when it comes to women. If I see a girl I like, I ask her out, she accepts, and we go out. That's just how it works. (This is still how it works, I can't tell you the last time I've been turned down when asking someone out. Oh wait, yeah I do, a few weeks ago at The Tavern. I'll get her to go out with me eventually, though, I promise.) Back to the subject at hand: So I'm in KC, I'm head-over-heels in love with my girlfriend at the time, I mean, absolutely whole-heartedly textbook definition of "in love with" her (although she didn't make the trip with me). Iowa State was playing Florida State in the kickoff classic at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City. Needless to say, I go. We're tailgating, throwing the football around, grilling, drinking, and having an absolute blast. It'd been a few years since I'd seen Jennifer and she was almost a figment of my imagination any more due to my current mindset with you-know-who. Out of the blue, Hornick looks at me and says, "Don't look now, but you aren't going to believe who is behind you." I turn around, and no more than 15 feet from me is Jennifer. Almost like the first time I saw her, my heart stopped beating and I froze at her beauty. No ring on the finger, looking beautiful as ever, yet all I could think about was mutherfucking Stephanie. Regardless, I decided to go talk to Jennifer to say hi and see if she remembered me. Although I had no intentions of touching her or even hitting on her, I just wanted to say hello. I'm not sure if it was easy to go talk to her since I was taken, or if it was my confidence, but either way, I approached her. "Remember me?" I got the arm-touch and a "BRYAN! You're Bryan, right? From the library?" I say, "YES!" We talked for awhile, she asks where we're going that night, I say I don't know. I don't ask for her cell phone number as I don't want to be tempted, I didn't want to see her that night. I said my goodbye, and that's the last I've seen of my dream girl, Library Jennifer.

Well, as we all know now, Stephanie went clinically insane (by my definition) and went 100% cold turkey out of the picture in every way possible a few months later and I was again single. Now I have one question for you ... Do you know how much money I'd give to go back in time to Kansas City in August of 2002 and re-re-meet Jennifer in the Arrowhead Stadium parking lot? The answer, my friends, is much greater than $10.67, although I can't give you an exact figure. I haven't pursued finding her or searching for her as that's borderline stalker, and I can't be that way as it's just not me. I do hope we cross paths again someday, and should she for some amazingly-bizarre reason still be single, you can bet the farm I'll be asking her out, although I'm certain I'll be sweating and the adrenaline will be flowing like the Arkansas River.