"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me." --Emo Philips

The Day I Realized Life Isn't Always Fun And Games
by Bryan Mack
dedicated to my friend Ryan

(Sorry, this picture is in really bad shape, it's been through a lot - I have it framed with that picture of Mary with her Sacred Heart)

Not everything that happens in my life is fun, games, and happiness.  Some things in my life are pure hell.

It was the day of my final Accounting 284 exam.  I really needed a good grade, I missed the last test due to being in the hospital for nearly destroying my arm in the notorious fish tank accident just a month prior.  Sure, we had a final in a few weeks, but this was the last exam over new material I'd have.  Freshman year at Iowa State was winding down quickly.  It had been such a great year.  I had met so many new people, started my life on my own, and was preparing myself mentally for the rest of my life.  On this particular day, I expected to challenge myself with this Accounting exam, but I had no idea what was to follow.

Accounting was a 9:30 class for me, Jeremy Leiting was in my class with me, and we had the same class preceding it as well.  We went to Dr. Apt's History 202 course and studied for our exam the whole time instead of reading the Daily or sleeping, like we usually did.  Around 9:15 on this horrible day, April 30, 1998 to be exact, I made the walk from Curtis Hall over to Carver 001 - the basement lecture hall in which my exam was.  If you've ever gone to school with me, you know I take tests at the speed of light.  I'm always the first one done and I never re-check my work.  This day was no different.  Out of 300 people in the class, I was easily in the first 3 people done, I aced it.  A week later I'd discover that I truly did ace it.  I was on cloud nine.  I was so happy that I decided to skip my LAS 230 class that I usually sat through with Jeremy and Hornick.  I just wanted to go back to my dorm room and start the weekend early.  I had been tested mentally on my brain power and succeeded.

I walked across campus, past the parking garage, past the green scenery just west of old RCA, through old RCA's commons, across Beach St. and into Maple Hall.  I was only about 20 yards and 8 floors from my room, but I remember having to piss insanely bad.  I stopped in Maple's commons and used their bathroom.  Had I not, I surely would have pissed in my pants a few seconds later.  As I was walking across the raised outdoor catwalk between Maple Hall, the Dining Center, and Larch Hall, I saw Schweers walking out of Larch.  At the very corner where the raised catwalk splits between Maple and Larch is where I received the worst news I've ever gotten in my life.

Schweers:     "What's up Mack?"
Myself:         "Just got done with my Accounting test, man it rocked, I was gonna go ditch my bag and get some food.  What you up to?"
S:                 "You haven't heard yet have you?"
M:                "Nah, what's up?"
S:                 "I've got some bad news for ya, someone died."
(At this second, shock went through my body.  Having grown up in Carroll, Iowa - I was used to kids dying.  Everyone dies in that damn town.  My sister had lost a friend, my friends had all lost cousins, brothers, sisters, parents, etc., and I had lost several acquaintances - but never a friend.  I had been waiting for this moment for years, waiting for my turn, it is something I honestly had feared my entire lifetime.)
M:                "Someone's always dying.  Is it someone I'm going to care about?"
S:                 "Yeah."
(I won't say who it was, but a particular friend of mine popped into my head immediately, I really don't know why.  It wasn't him, but I was sure it was him.)
M:                " ______?"  (I stated the person's name)
S:                "Heuton."

Shocked.  I can't express, repeat, or even attempt to imitate the face I must have made at that second.  I don't remember anything said between the two of us from this point on.  I remember my jaw literally dropping and looking at the ground, but that's about it.  I remember walking silently and alone away from Schweers into Larch.  I think I saw Troy (Yort) someplace, but I'm unsure about where.  Troy informed me that Ryan's (Heuton) brother was also very seriously injured, and for all he knew, he may not have survived either (we thank God that Jason (Ryan's brother) is now ok).  I remember getting on the elevator, there was a girl on the elevator but I thought I was alone.  I punched the wall of the elevator a few times and realized I wasn't alone so stood silently until she got off on the 6th floor.  It had been just a minute or so since I found out, and it had felt like a week had gone by.  I was physically alone as the elevator rose from the sixth floor to the eighth.  The door opened to the 8th floor and I saw Gizzy and P.J. waiting for the elevator.  They said hi and I said nothing, which is highly unusual for me.  I got off the east elevator and walked the long hall down to my corner room.  The only thing I wanted in the world was for Mule to be there, but unfortunately when I arrived he was at class.  There I was, at 11:00a.m. on a Thursday in April alone, one of my best friends I have ever had in my life and ever will, I was just told, I will never talk to again.  I will never hear him laugh again.  I will never get arrested with him again.  I will never hook him up with a girl again and he'll never do it for me again.  He'll never be there to show me the ropes and make me feel comfortable when I'm in a new place, or around new people again.  The thoughts were running through my head a mile a second and I couldn't stop them.  I couldn't be alone, I needed to call Alicia, I needed to find her or Mule or Aly or Kris ASAP or I was going to explode in tears, which I still don't understand how they weren't pouring out of me by this point already.  Mule was gone, Kris lived across town, Aly lived in Ankeny and I had no car, I needed to find Alicia.

I looked at my phone list to find her number, and the first number I saw was Ryan's.  I couldn't look at the phone list.  I didn't want to go down the elevator because I didn't want to see anyone, I ran down 9 flights of stairs.  I went to ground level so I wouldn't have to go through the commons during lunch hour where people would be present and happy.  I didn't want to see anyone happy.  I got over to Willow hall and up to Alicia's room.  Fern answered the door and said Alicia wasn't there.  Jenny (Fern), I don't know again why I remember this conversation:
Myself:        "Is Alicia here?"
Jenny:          "No, she's over at Jodi's sitting on the steps."
M:                "So she knows."
Jenny:           "Yes.  Are you ok?"
M:    (finally the tears came out):    "n....n......nnn....no"

Jenny's hug at that second was weird.  It is exactly what I wanted and needed, but it just couldn't fix anything.  Hugs from anyone, Kris, Alicia, Mom, Cori, Carlyss -- no hug could have made me feel the least bit better.  Jenny walked me over to where Alicia was.  Alicia and I know everything about each other's relationships with Ryan.  Everything.  Hell, every one of these people who I needed right now met Ryan through me I think.  I remember sitting in my basement and Ryan was looking at my pictures and saw Alicia's picture, he said "She's hot."  I don't remember how they ended up hooking up, but I remember that moment.  I remember that Ryan taught me to play tennis, and this in turn was how I introduced him to Mule, Kris, and Kim - through tennis.  Everyone began to be friends with Ryan for the simple fact that everyone who met the guy wanted to be his friend.  He just had that glow to him.  He could make you laugh and he had the coolest personality of anyone I've ever met.  The kid was hysterical and taught me the #1 lesson of life - cherish your friends and family to no end.

So anyways, Alicia and I wanted to take a walk.  We walked to Kum & Go to get some cigarettes.  It's maybe a 2 mile walk, 4 round trip.  I wasn't one to smoke - never have been, it's nasty, but over the next week, I bet you I smoked a good 20 packs of cigarettes.  We got to talking, basically about how shocked we were and putting our few intricate details together to try to figure out what had happened.  We decided to go to the park as neither of us wanted to be around people, so we drove over to the park right by the railroad bridge, I can't remember what it's called - Brookside maybe, I don't know.  I ran up to my dorm room before we drove over there to see if Mule was around, but he wasn't back yet.  While I was there Dad called and we talked for awhile.  I told him I'd be coming home the next morning as I had to talk to my teachers/professors the next morning to reschedule my final exams next week so I could be back for the wake and funeral.

Alicia and I must have sat in that park for a solid 4 hours telling stories about Ryan.  I'd talk about how we used to go road tripping in high school.  The days when Ryan, Aly, Meghan Simons, and myself would hop in his old Gray Cutlass and just party.  We always had a blast, it was great.  I'd tell stories of how my first night at ISU, before classes even began and before I was unpacked, Ryan was in my dorm room to welcome me there.  He brought me to his house that night to his party.  He'd come take me out to eat.  He always wanted to borrow stuff from me but I wouldn't let him because one time when we were 16 I lent him my Dr. Dre "Nuthin' But A G Thang" tape and he threw it out the window when I pissed him off once.  Stories of getting arrested for possession in front of his apartment and him lying to the cop saying he was 20 for no reason at all when he was actually 19, it wouldn't have done him any good if he was 20! :)  I remember him getting in trouble just to keep me out of trouble, but we're not going to tell that story.  I remember yelling at him for things, him making me drive him places in his car when he had no license,  shit - I just remember everything.  For hours and hours Alicia and I recounted as many things as we could remember about him, and for that time sitting in the park, it was like an escape from reality.  If we wanted to, it felt like we could have driven over to his apartment and picked him up to go grab a bite to eat, I did owe him a meal at Subway, after all.

After the hours in the park, reality was setting in, but not as much as the pain and heartache.  Even with Alicia around.  Even back at my dorm with Mule there.  Even after talking to Dad.  Even after talking to Aly.  Even after.....hell, it didn't matter, I was alone.  In a time like this, I guess the person I normally would have called first was...well, Ryan.  He could always cheer me up.  But my only option to cheer me up is the option that was tearing me apart on the inside.  As a matter of fact, here I am 6 years after the fact and it's still tearing me up.  I'm looking at him right now.  I have 3 framed pictures of him in my room, one of them right in front of me.  I have his obituary on my wall.  I have his picture in my bedroom at home.  I surround myself with my friend.  But at that moment, I was alone.

............

I was back in Carroll.  I was out at Ryan's home by Lidderdale, it was the first time I'd ever been there where I couldn't hear anybody laughing.  I remember seeing John and Carlyss and I just couldn't imagine what they were going through.  I knew what I was going through, and seeing Ryan's parents, it had to have been a million times worse, and even this day I can't even imagine anything worse than the way I felt.  Somehow, I just know they felt worse.

.............

At the wake, I was waiting in line to see the family.  When I got to John (Ryan's father), I remember he smiled and said "There he is." and hugged me.  It was the first comfort I had felt in any of the past days.

.............

Carlyss invited me to put something in Ryan's casket at the funeral.  I knew exactly what it was going to be.  It must have been at least ten times that Ryan asked to borrow my copy of the movie Casino.  It was one of my favorite movies, I really don't remember if he had ever seen it or not.  I just know that every time I lent something to Ryan, there was a very good chance I wouldn't see it again as he'd probably keep it.  So every time he asked to borrow Casino, I said "No, you won't give it back!"  He always got a kick out of that, I think he asked me every time just because he knew it'd tick me off.  But in the end, I never lent him that movie, so I bought him his own copy, and it lies with him to this day.  I've always felt bad about this as Ryan always gave me so much and I never took it to heart, I took it for granted, in fact, something he once told me led to one of my biggest regrets in life.

................

At the funeral, I remember very little.  I remember I couldn't cry at the funeral at the church.  I sat there with Aly, Meghan, and Amy in silence the whole time.  I remember at the cemetery, as soon as the service was over, I was holding Aly's hand, then I started to lose it, that's when I finally realized it was over.  Mom saw me from across the crowd and came over and hugged me, I was hopeless. 

..................

I make this sound like I was the only one affected by this - but let me tell you one thing.  Every person at that funeral, and equally as many people who weren't at the funeral, felt the exact same as me.  Everyone loved Ryan.  We'll always remember you.

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