Fleetmack.com - Even More Memories

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"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake." --Mitch Hedberg

Memories from the mind of Bryan Mack
Part III
08-22-03

It's about that time again. Back down memory lane. I have nothing in mind which i'm going to type, but I'm sure we'll remember something as I start typing.

Let's start out with a good 'ol college road trip to UNI. This is almost a Wilson story, but who cares. One random weekend Wilson and I decided to go to UNI for the weekend as Shitty and Richmond's frat was having a party of some sort. Hart and Will were already up at UNI and a bunch of muscatiners and UNI people were already there. So as usual, Wilson fills up a laundry basket full of clothes - enough to last him about 4 weeks. We throw in about 6 blankets, a few pillows, a sleeping bag, the kitchen sink - you know, the basics for a 2 day trip to Cedar Falls, Iowa. We pile into the Festiva. And just like that, our 120 mile journey was over after just 8 gas station stops, 3 wal-mart stops, 3 packs of smokes, and 12 hours. So we're in Cedar Falls and we immediately start drinking. We end up watching some porn and listening to some Kenny Chesney and the like, and we're all pretty drunk. I spot an empty bottle of vodka and sneak it to the kitchen where I fill it up with water. Now I had never met Will yet until this day, but I go into the living room and say "Hey Guys! I bet you I can chug this whole bottle of vodka!" They, not knowing it was water, were like "no chance". I drain the bottle of "vodka" in about 10 seconds. They all look astonished. Someone said something to the effect of "Dude, go make yourself puke right now or you will literally die." Will pitches in with "Nah, He's from CARROLL! Those people can drink. He'll be fine, damn Carroll people drink way too much.". Idiot - nobody on earth can do that and live! That was funny to me that he said that. So everyone is concerned and about 1/2 hour later I lay on the ground and pretend to pass out. I start faking these body spasms and stuff and they are all like "Oh shit". Then when someone actually freaked out, I woke up and told them what I did. It ruled, I thought I was pretty funny - it turned out I'm just an idiot.

So the weekend continues. We go to the frat party that night and get home only to realize that nobody has any keys to the apartment. They're on the third floor. I, being deathly afraid of heights, decided it'd be a great idea to scale the balconies. I push my way up to the second floor, somehow lifted myself from the second floor apartment's balcony to the third floor's - and I believe I then had to jump from one balcony to the next on the third floor. I don't know how I did it - kinda like Long's Peak - I'd be too scared to ever try that again! So we get in and go to bed. Next day was hungover and worthless. Typical Wilson, around 7pm (Saturday Night) he decides he wants to study that night so he's going back to Ames. Why wouldn't he? 7pm, Saturday night, 120 miles from home - just got to go home and study. Hart says he'll drive me back the next day so Wilson takes off. We go to ShagNasty's to blow our eardrums (it's so damn loud in that place) where I proceed to make out with one of the top 3 most heinous women this side of the Mississippi. She looked like a zebra, man she was nasty. Zebra, what a funny word. Anyways, about 1:00a.m. - Wilson shows up at the bar! He had driven back to Ames, studied for about 1/2 hour, got some Tacos, and drove back to Cedar Falls just in time for last call! I think Spooner or someone met some girl that night and they wanted to go back to Ames, so Wilson and Spooner drive back to Ames that night. But the next day, Wilson had to drive Spooner back to Cedar Falls and then Drive back to Ames again. So for Wilson - one 2 day trip to Cedar falls consisted of 3 round-trips to Ames and back. That's pretty standard.

    A few random Wilson stories that are too short to be Wilson stories of their own, but were the original inspiration behind the Wilson page. The place was the dorms. The time was fall of 1997 (Freshman Year). It was roughly 3am on a Saturday night. You know what - before I go further - these stories have been stretched so much in the past years that I honestly don't even know if they are true or not anymore, I really don't know. So anyways, 3am, Saturday Night, completely sober - Wilson decideds it'd be a great idea to go to Wal-Mart to buy speaker wire. He goes, gets speaker wire, goes in the parking lot in the dorms and rewires all his speakers which were working perfectly fine at the time.
    Fall 1997 - Dorms - Same time, but a week day. Wilson sees a Wal-Mart ad that shows a spot-light is on sale. This sale will go on for about a week. He needs this spotlight RIGHT NOW!! It drives him nuts. He says 30 times "I should go get that spotlight, I think I'm going to go get that spotlight, I need it." He leaves to get the spotlight he just must have at that minute.    A week later, we're in the festiva and see a wal-mart bag in the back seat with the spotlight in it. He hadn't even taken it out of the bag yet! Why on earth did he have to go get it at 3am on a Wednesday if he didn't even need it? It makes no sense.
    Not sure when this was, but it was during his tenure in the Hilltop residence. Wilson decided it'd be pretty cool to get a pet chicken, I think he named it "Pecker" but I could be wrong. So he was raising a chicken, it ran aroudn the house, shit everywhere. So they bought a pen for the chicken. This thing got so big it couldn't even turn aroudn in the pen, it was basically a pet chicken that was stuck in the same position all day every day in a cage. Well, Easter rolled around. Guess what the meal was?

That's enough Wilson bashing for now. In high school, senior year for semester tests, several of us had one period off followed by lunch, so we had like 3 hours to kill. I could be wrong, but I think it was Reentz, Lohrmann, Coon-E, Hornick, Tony, Rat, and Myself. We got a few cases of Bud Light tallboys and went to Hornick's place to get drunk. We get back to school in time for our Mass Communications test with Mr. Galligan and we're all drunker than hell. I remember we were late back to school and they don't take kindly to people who are late for semester tests. I was sprinting down the hall and jumped down like 8 steps in one jump and about $3 in change flew out of my pocket and all over the hall. Tony or somebody starts laughing and Mr. Galligan is standing there just watching my drunk ass crawl on the floor trying to pick up my change. After about 2 minutes he goes "JUST GET IN HERE!" I do, we take the test. During the test I'm starting to pass out - so is Coon. My head is on the desk and I'm just filling in random bubbles. I look at Coon - he's already turned his paper in and is passed out. It was just classic. They all knew we were smashed but couldn't do anything about it.

One time in Ms. Gentz' religion class, Hav and Powell had a bet as to who could get the lowest score on a test. This was so fucking funny. We get the tests back, Justin says "HA! I WIN!! 0% Take that, bitch!" Hav has a huge smirk on his face as he says "HA! -5%! I got all the questions wrong and she took off 5 points for talking during the test!" True and classic. You probably had to be there to appreciate just how funny that was. Kinda like when "Shoes" attacked Juergens in the cafeteria. Or when Sigler attacked Klaver outside of 207. Or when Mr. Wieland almost beat the shit out of Klaver in the cafeteria. Klaver himself wrote shortly about that on his page on my "Friends" page. Man those were funny ass times.

There was the trip to Iowa City one year for the Iowa/Iowa State football game. We stayed with Shaun's cousin. Hornick and I ended up sitting by the state senators at the game who were cheering for Iowa and we were drunk as hell right next to the Iowa student section cheering for ISU. That ruled. We go out to some place that night and drink about 40 Boulevards each then I go and pass out on the slide on the swingset in the ped-mall right by the Holiday Inn in campustown. The next night was just bizarre. It started out that I wanted to go to Dolls (strip club) in Coralville to see if Jessica (Cameron) was working. I "dated" her a few times so I figured I might try to "date" her again. So we (Powell and I) go to the strip club and I say to the bouncer "Is Cameron working tonight?" And he says "No, havne't seen him around for awhile. So we decide to stay anyways since we already paid cover. I see a chick that works at Hunky Dory's working! She was in a class of mine at the time and she saw me and was totally embarassed that I saw her. So I go up to the chow line to get a dance from her. Figured it'd be funny to do that then go sit next to her in class the next week :o) She gives dances to everyone, looks sternly at me, and skips me and goes right on giving dances to everyone else. That sucked! So we go out to the bar that night, we go into the Holiday Inn to get some cash, I was with Hav and Meiners. I'm in smartass mode and there's some dude ahead of me in the ATM line. I say to him "Hey man, I forgot my ATM card can I borrow yours?" I know - not at all funny, but we all get a slight laugh out of it. This guy FLIPS OUT! He spins around and goes, screaming at me "You think that's fucking funny do ya? How funny is it gonna be when I put you in a body bag you fucking punk? I will fucking kill you. You have no idea who I am do you? I will fucking kill you. You better apologize right now!" Now this guy is 3 times my size, but Hav and Meiners are backing me up, and if you know me, I ain't apologizing for shit. I say something like "Chill the fuck out dude, what's your fucking problem? Got no sense of humor and you lash out on people a third your size?" He gets RIGHT up in my face, "Don't you listen? I'm going to fucking kill you. I am going to put you in a bodybag right fucking now." I'm not scared at all, I almost laugh at him, instead I wipe off my face as he spit on me and I say "If you're going to kill me the least you can do is make my last moments enjoyable by not spitting in my fucking face when you talk you dipshit." He then sees that I'm not scared so he tries Meiners. Bad idea, if you know Meiners at all - you should realize that he's won about every single fight on earth. Hornick and Meiners are two guys I know that could last a few rounds with Lennox Lewis, these guys don't fuck around. Meiners starts reeming this guy a new asshole. Suddenly he backs down and says "Ok, I'm going to Brothers (a bar), when I'm done - you fags meet me right by that tree, I will fucking kill you and put you in a body bag." He walks away. Hav says something like "ok, see ya at the tree, bud!". He walks away. I have never heard anyone use the term "body bag" more in one year of my life as I heard him say in this 5 minute interval. What a dumbass. And by the way - Iowa State won as usual (take that, Timmy!).

Speaking of random fights, my first night at Old Chicago I get off work and Toni (girl), Josh, and I are having a few drinks at a table. I've got my Slipknot shirt on which I think is the ony thing that could have provoked this. We're at the table and out of nowhere some guy comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder, I say "what's up?" He goes "Hey tough guy what's up? Think you're a tough guy, do ya?" I'm like, "What the hell are you talking about?" He says "Nothing, you're just a tough guy huh. Punk ass tough guy." Again I'm like "Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?" Again he says "I'm talking about you, you're a tough guy. Wanna make something of it?" Realizing I work there, I just say "No I don't." He provokes me somre more and I'm about to snap. From across the room by the pool tables he says "Pussy too afraid? He's a tough guy but too much of a pussy to fight?" I get pissed and stand up and start walking over to him ready to beat his ass. Toni quickly sits me down and says "Bryan, you work here, you cannot do that. We'll just get him kicked out." So I'm like "Ok, whatever." I go and piss. I come back and sit down, and the guy walks up to Josh and says "sorry man, I don't know what I was thinking earlier. I didn't mean anything." Josh says "That's cool man, but you weren't talkin' shit to me - you were talking shit to him". He points to me, and this guy goes "Oh, I ain't apologizing to that pussy who thinks he's a tough guy." Immediately I stand up. "What the fuck is your problem man?!" He turns back to Josh and starts rubbing his hair and his chest and shit and says "Wow, I like you. Are you a hair dresser? You've got a great ass!" And he starts grabbing Josh's ass! This gets him kicked out immediately. So he's gone. I go up to Bennigans the next week and this punk is a HOST there! HA! What a pussy! I walk in and recognize him immediately, he doesn't recognize me at all. He shows us to our table and I say "Thanks you pussy ass tough-guy" and pat him on the back. He immediately realizes everything and looks shocked. I say "See what it's like when someone fucks with you for no reason at the place you work? What you gonna do tough guy? Pussy ass tough guy too big of a pussy to start shit?!" He frowns and walks away. And that was the last I ever saw of him. That ruled.

I should write more but I don't feel like it right now.