Fleetmack.com - My Biggest Regrets

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"All our lives all we ever sacrificed has paid. Everything is possible to me." --Slipknot - Scream

My Biggest Regrets
01-14-02

Something I just read made me realize something. I was reading that when each of us makes a mistake in life, we are not supposed to hide this mistake and pretend like it didn't happen. We are supposed to put it out there, and for many reasons. First off, it humbles us and people can see how real and prone to sin we are. Secondly, it helps other people to hear of each others' mistakes. I must warn you, I'm embarrassed about each of these things, and if I could change them I would. Also, I flat out cannot believe I'm going to share these things with complete strangers, but - here goes. These are my biggest regrets in my life, in no particular order. I'll use no names in particular, and if you want to laugh at me if you know these stories - go ahead, but they're not funny to me. I hope these help somebody in some way....

To this day I can cry if I think about this, and I cannot believe how stupid I was. Shortly before my high school graduation, one of my best friends' cousins died in a car wreck, and he was devastated. I didn't know how to react around him at first, but then I realized he was the same person as always on the outside, but on the inside - he had changed. During my freshman year at ISU, this friend of mine and I were out eating at the Subway on Welch Ave. in Ames. I remember everything about that whole day with him. He came to the dorms and got me, I was flat broke at the time and wanted to eat food service because it was paid for already, but he said if I went out to eat with him he would buy me lunch. We went through the line, and the chick who made our sandwiches was pretty hot, so he kept having her add more and more veggies and mayo to his sandwich just so he could talk to her more. By the time he got his sandwich, mayo was everywhere and he didn't even want to eat it because it was so disgusting and messy -- he ended up eating half of mine and none of his. Anyways, at one point during our lunch he said, "Mack, I love you man." I just laughed it off at first and was like "shut up idiot". I didn't realize how serious he was. He then said "Seriously, life's way too short to not tell people that - I love you." Again - I just blew it off and told him to shut up. End of story. Two months later, he died. I never told him I loved him, and further more, I told him to shut up and probably made him feel awkward when he was just being a fantastic friend. To this day, I don't know why I couldn't have just told him I loved him, but I did. Many people laugh at me and say I'm too emotional and attached to my friends. You're damn right I am! It's pathetic that some people aren't! My friends are gifts to me from God and I will never again take them for granted. Those of you who really know me know I am never mean to anybody and I am always there to listen. Something good came out of this regret, other regrets - I have yet to see the good in.

This isn't really one instance in particular, but stealing is a horrible thing to do. I honestly haven't done much stealing in my life, but I've been caught by the cops 1/2 of the times I ever did (basically). When I was 17 I got arrested for stealing a bottle of vodka from a grocery store. When I was leaving the store to walk to the car, two guys were waiting for me outside already, they asked to see my pockets. I knew I was busted so I just gave them the bottle, hoping they would tell me to get out of there. Then they told me the police were on their way. The devil told me "get the hell out of here!" I was wearing bowling shoes I had stole from the bowling alley at the time, with their big, fat SIZE 11 written on the back, but I took off sprinting, in the snow-covered parking lot. I was being chased by some guy, he grabbed onto my coat and I elbowed him in the stomach, causing him to fall in the mud. Then I kept sprinting and sprinting. For hours I hid in backyards as I watched cops drive by looking for me, then I made it to a friends' house and we drove around for awhile then I went home. Turns out the cops knew my name so I never needed too run in the first place. Was I sorry for stealing? No. Was I sorry for elbowing the guy? No. Was I sorry for getting my friends in trouble too? No. I was sorry for the disappointing people. My parents, my coaches, my teachers - all of them had a ton of respect for me, and I threw it all out the window. Some dumbass kid who I have no respect for asked my Mom the next week in school in front of the whole class (she's a teacher at the other school in my hometown), he said "I hear your son got arrested this weekend." How embarrassed was my Mom? I realized I was no thief, but that is what I had labeled myself as, and how could I tell people otherwise? I had let so many people down and lost so many peoples' trust. The good that came out of this was my realization that my actions affect more than just me.

I'll be the first to admit, I love beer. I've always been a pretty hefty drinker, and I've made mistakes a time or two. I got a possession ticket with Ryan in Ames my freshman year of college. I got a possession ticket in Cedar Falls one summer. I've gotten kicked out of bars and had fake ID's taken from me. I've been cut off, gotten in fights, puked my brains out, and driven when I shouldn't have. Sure I regret some of these things, but I'll never forget what I did to my best friend one night when I was drunk. She had a very very difficult and disturbing issue happen to her, she was an absolute wreck and was in shambles, and I told her I'd be there for her. I told her I'd help her out and do anything for her, I told her to trust me. Instead of being there for her - I got drunk as a skunk and screamed at her to make her feel worse. I was so drunk, I honestly can't even remember what I was screaming to her, and I'm too embarrassed to ask her to this day what I said. The next day I woke up mortified. I couldn't believe what I did and realized that it wasn't even me who said that to her, it was the devil. I called her and apologized for about 2 days straight. She was very hurt, disappointed in me, and lost trust in me - but she forgave me. She taught me that there is nothing in this world that is unforgivable. In a book I read - it says - If Jesus can forgive the people who killed Him, what is there that we cannot forgive? Learning forgiveness through my own sin that didn't deserve to be forgiven - how ironic.

I had a "perfect" life going for me. Great job, living alone, great girl, almost out of debt, living where I dreamed to live. "Wow", I thought, "Why are all these people going to Church praying for everything? Just get off your ass and you can do everything on your own!". BAM! The second I thought that life comes crashing down. I can't do everything on my own. Maybe I thought that, but as soon as I did, God showed me that just as easily as He gave me everything I have, He can take it all away. Suddenly my rent triples, I'm single, and I have an additional $3000 to pay off. I can do it on my own can I? No. I don't regret thinking that because it brought me to where I am today. I give thanks for all I have. I ask for things I need, but am not greedy any more (in most ways).

Everything bad that happens to us turns out good. Until you realize that, bad things will be painful memories. You can't win a boxing match without taking some punches. Failures make us grow as people. Don't be shameful of your past, use it to make your future stronger and brighter. Cliché: Learn from your mistakes, and if you can't do that - learn from mine.