Fleetmack.com - Update?

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"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something." --Emo Philips

Well, here's how I feel now.....

Well, it's been a few weeks, upwards of a month since I wrote my original "life story" on my religious beliefs etc. so I thought I'd share with you the responses and actions I've taken and failed to take. Mind you that Jesus doesn't want me running around doing things just to promote myslef as a religious person, that is not why I am writing this. It may sound like I'm writing this to make myself appear "better" than people or to earn brownie points with God. That's not it at all - the reason I'm writing this is because I know a lot of you feel exactly as I do, and I would like to talk about it. I've gotten several emails and a very positive reaction from people about my recent feelings and I really would just like to utilize this opportunity (my website is my opportunity) to help people. Everyone has gifts and, as in an email from Mr. Kevin Casella from Long Island, NY said - "i just wanted to encourage you in continuing helping everyone with laughter your writing is a gift and that's what stewardship is all about...using your talents for the common good"

Again - I'm not trying to promote myself or say "wow, I rule at writing, just look - people email me and tell me I can write well!" I'm sure I can write ok but I'm no Ernest Hemmingway or anything, I'm just a 24 year old kid living my life and trying to be a happy person. You know what? I'm well on my way to being a happy person. There have been a lot of road blocks placed in my way, but if you put your heart into it, you can get past anything. You just have to have faith, and this leads me to our first topic in this writing journal thing of mine.....

Faith - faith is an incredibally confusing and difficult thing to obtain. Some would challenge me and say you either have faith or don't have faith. I disagree with that statement. My faith is very weak - and I truely feel the key to happiness and life is to have very very strong faith. The absence of faith is basically saying that you don't believe or trust the Lord well enough to let him guide your life. Free will is prevalant and a fantastic gift. God gave me the right to make decisions for myself - so no, he doesn't necessarily choose my path for me. On the same token, he does want me to be happy, and if I have complete faith in Him, He will not let me live an unhappy life. Although all decisions are mine to make, He will make them be the right ones somehow. But as I said - my faith is weak. I got an email from a guy a few weeks ago who asked me to give him 5 reasons why he should believe Jesus was alive - and I was not allowed to use the Bible or any writings as my reasons. Nothing against Chris for asking that, but that is a perfect example of why faith is so hard to achieve. I cannot give you "proof". As Chris asked me - no, I cannot get a rag from his tomb and do DNA testing on Christ's blood to see if he existed. I cannot do that and shouldn't need to. If you need 5 concrete things in front of your face before you can believe the life of Christ - I cannot provide that to you. The only thing I can provide to you as "proof" of Jesus' existance on earth, other than the Bible - is my faith. That's all the proof in the world I need.

I've been speaking back in forth with a girl in Greeley, CO for the past few weeks. She's in the same boat as me and our trains of thought appear to be quite similar. By speaking with Mandy, I've realized that I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. My beliefs and ideas seem to change on certain topics on a day-to-day basis. By writing to Mandy, I realize that I don't know what is right and what is wrong in many circumstances. There is a myriad of dichotomies which are thrown into my face seemingly endlessly. To drink or not to drink. To have sex or to not have sex. To swear, to cheat, to steal, to lie, to hurt - when are these things right? Are they ever right? Will I go to hell if I feel strongly about something and Jesus thinks otherwise? What will become of people of non-christian religions who still respect others and live VERY VERY impressively considerate and religious lives without Jesus in them? Will they burn in hell for not accepting Christ? What about those people who aren't so fortunate to ever hear of Christ's existance? Certainly they cannot burn in hell for this? The point is - there are so many questions left unanswered, and I'm not going to randomly find some fabulous book at Barnes and Noble which will have all the "rights" and "wrongs" in the eyes of the Lord written down so I can know what I can and cannot do. Unanswered questions are abound and plentiful, but in the meantime while I'm searching for my personal beliefs on certain issues, I know I'm not going to hell. I'm a hypocrite and a sinner. I know its not right to compare people - but aren't we all? Honestly - nobody is perfect, but we keep on living and trying, and that's what counts.

I am such a hypocrite. I pretend to be all religious. What a person says and what a person does are competely different things. I am a hypocrite. What am I trying to accomplish? Do I really want to be this religious loving person I claim to be? Apparently I am not good at sticking to my word. Sure - I respect people and preach to you about what you need to do - but do I do any of it? No. The fact stands that (other than Matt's wedding) I've been to church twice in 2002. I've spoken to many of you, telling you what you need to do, what is right and what is wrong. Maybe that is a positive thing and the Lord appreciates my doings, but I don't think so, if I were Him I'd be thinking "This kid is an idiot. He preaches yet goes out and drinks and yadda yadda yadda. What a hypocrite. Until his actions speak louder than his words, Bryan Mack is just making things worse for himself in my eyes." The devil tempts me and wins most of the time. It's difficult.

I finally got lauged at. For the past few weeks I was amazed - every person I spoke about this topic with has had the utmost respect for me. Even if ideas and thoughts are different, everyone has respected me. Hell, I've even ignited a small spark in some of your minds. I tried to talk to somebody last evening about what role Jesus played in his life. Perhaps he was drunk, perhaps scared, perhaps honest, perhaps he just flat out didn't care - but the fact stands, I got laughed at. I would have expceted this to hurt me and give up, but it just motivated me to try harder. Maybe I'm an idiot who thinks higher of himself, but I think I'm very good at persuasion. Persuasion is a sin in my opinion. I don't want to persuade anybody to accept Jesus in their life, but I do want to help you relize it for yourself. God is givng me several challenges lately and I'm failing miserablly on most of them. I didn't go to church this weekend, I got drunk a few times over the last 3 weeks, things have happened that I allowed happen which God would frown upon. I lie, I hurt people, I disrespect people (at the CU game this weekend, this is especially true!) - but at the same time, there is so much potential in all of us, me included, to become a strong and loving person. I'm so far from it, but each day no matter how much I sin, my faith is bringing me closer.

I asked a very good friend a question the other week, to paraphrase - I said (and this is a very selfish question) "Why does it matter if I sin if I'll just be forgiven? I can sin all I want and if I just ask for forgiveness, I'll have it. I'll still get into heaven. What do I have to lose by sinning?" She replied with an ingenius answer, she said "you will still get into heaven, but you will never experience true happiness and Jesus' love while you're on earth." As I said - that is strongly paraphrased...but really re-read that, it makes more sense than anything in the world. But again, the key to believing that statement -- Faith.

Faith is an endless key to salvation and happiness. Faith is difficult to achieve, but if you have faith, you have everything. Jesus once said to Peter - (again, paraphrased) "If you tell that mountain to jump into the sea and have faith that it will happen, it will happen". Can you imagine the power of that statement? WE have the ability to literally move mountains. I challenge you to find someone with faith strong enough to do so, but the ability is out there. If I 100% am positive with no doubt in my mind that it will happen, I can probably teleport to Africa in the blink of an eye. We can do anything - but faith is the key. It is for those with a strong mind. It is the opposite of hope. It is knowledge. I am starting to gain a lot of faith, but I'm nowhere close to moving mountains.