"If you're not happy enough, at any time of day on any day of the year, to sing your favorite song while driving your car, and be happy while doing so, then you need to drastically change something as soon as possible." --Me, Bryan Mack

Beat your kids somewhere other than Wal-mart

10-7-02

   Some of you have read my rant on malls, well this weekend I discovered something.  Malls are like Brooke Burke - a dream world, when comparted to - Wal-Mart, which is like Roseanne Barr. Roseanne Arnold.   Roseanne - whatever the fuck we're supposed to call her now.  Man, she should hang out with " "  (Prince). Yup, sure should.

    A year or 2 back, my friend Chris lent me his Rodney Carrington comedy album to listen to, man - that is to this day one of the funniest things i've ever listened to.  At one point, he discusses how nobody should spank their kids or ground their kids, they should threaten them by saying "if you don't shape up, we're going to wal mart!".  the kids from this point on obey the parents' orders becuase they know - as you will know if you shop at wal-mart - about 90% of all kids that walk in that place unscathed come out bruised like Lennox Lewis got ahold of them.   Parents bring their kids to wal-mart to beat them, and that's the best thing about that place i think!

    My first issue I'm going to address is not Wal-Mart's fault at all, in fact, they've done things to try to prevent it.  It's those idiots that shop at wal-mart (and safeway, and king soopers, and target, etc etc etc) that cause the problem.  I remember back in the day when Mom would go grocery shopping at Food 4 Less.  We'd go there and get our groceries, wheel them out to the car, load the car, then after the car was loaded, she'd say "Ok, no go bring the cart back inside".   So i'd wheel the cart back into Food 4 Less and put the cart back in the cart rack.   Repectful - if you use something, have respect to put it back.  Hell, at Aldi's in Ames, the ghetto grocery store, you have to rent your grocery cart for $0.25 cents.  At first I thought this idea was ghetto - but it's not.  You deposit a quarter and pull your cart out, when you put your cart back, it triggers some device to give you your quarter back.  And i don't mean quarterback as in Randall Cunningham - I mean, they return your quarter to you.  This is fantastic.  not only does this keep all the carts in one spot - but it keeps carts out of the parking lot, being hazards to us drivers - and it saves parking spaces, as those carts generally are just rolled into the middle of a parking spot.  Lastly, you know the 15 year old kid working has to go in the lot at midnight to wheel in all the stray carts.  Maybe in Carroll, Iowa this isn't such a big deal, but in Denver, Colorado that's just not safe.  I would not want my kid wandering around a parking lot at midnight picking up stray grocery carts because Nancy Walmartshopper was too damn lazy to put it back in the store - OR EVEN put it in the little slot thingies in the parking lot that Wal-Mart provides.  Wal-Mart even realizes people are lazy so they put things in the parking lot about 10 car spaces apart for you to put your grocery cart in, people are too damn lazy to even walk their cart to these!! pathetic. 

So yes, while that isn't bad on wal-mart's part, that is reason #1 to not go there, because the shoppers there are idiots.

    Like my girl Stephanie always says, Super Target is the best.  You know something, she's right.  That place rules.  You could drive a H2 Hummer down those lanes.  But no - you'd have trouble fitting Andy Dick and Bob Saget in the same aisle in Wal-Mart.  How much more narrow can they make their aisles?  Seriously though?  That's just crazy.

    Want a CD?  It better be politically correct and family oriented.  Same with video games.  Same with DVD's.  Same with anything.  If it's not family-oriented, Wally World ain't sellin' it.   I'm surprised they even sell toilet paper because it touches your ass and they don't want to promote that image.  Jackasses.

    Back to the customers - are any of them American?   Ever? In any store?  How about the employees? American? Any of them?  Ok - I'm not racist that much, and in fact, I encourage immigration.  We are a free country and should be home to all who wish to be like us and believe in our values.  You know what one of those values should be?  SPEAKING ENGLISH!!!  You're in my country now, ese, speak my language. And let me tell you someting, weird shapes that strippers use as tattoos and microsoft uses for it's "image composer" software icon aren't letters.  I don't care how damn good your egg rolls and egg foo young taste, letters look like A, B, C, D   -  not like your weird shapes. 

    Wal-Mart has like 30 check-out stands, but even at noon on the Friday after Thanksgiving they only use 2 of them, max.  The line to check out is never fewer than 4 people deep at each lane and if i want to use the express lane, fuggetaboutit, Peggy Sue DiscountDiaperBuyer is there in the express lane with her "12 items or less" - er should I say, 27 jars of cat food, 3 bags of diapers, a case of crisco, and clothes for the whole family.  She's probably too stupid to read (hence why she didn't see the "12 items or less sign")  her not being able to read explains so much.  wal-mart is the low-cost leader, i'll give 'em that.   so that means peggy sue discountdiaperbuyer, being illeterate, is too stupid to get a job, so she spends her food stamps on cat food (somehow) where it is cheapest.   meow meow meow bitch, go wait in the regular lanes and get me in the express lane now.

    The true inspiration for this story - my Saturday voyage to the Westminster, Colorado Wal-Mart. (weird - my fantasy football team is the Westminster Wallabys - similar!)  I go there the other night to get a copy of a key made.  I look around everywhere, no employees in sight.  So I push one of them damn button things and sure enough 2 seconds later over the intercom "Assistance needed at the Key Machine".   I shit you not, no fewer than 7 or 8 minutes later, some guy shows up.   Trailor Trash defined.  If this guy didn't have a double first name, I don't know who does.  He asks if he can help me, I say yes that I need a key made, he replies with "I'm going on break, I can help you in 20 minutes".   WHAT!?!??! I just walked away.  I was going to walk away from the store altogether, but I realized his manager needed to know of this, I searched around for awhile, couldnt' find another employee in the fucking building.  I see this guy again and this time glance at his name-tag to get his name.  What do I see?  "Jason (name changed) - Asst. Store Manager".  Are you serious?  The assistant store manager refused to help me because he's going on break?  I left - only to see about 15 employees holding a chat session at the front door.  Way to Go Wal-Mart Team!  I'm proud of you! You rock! Way to help out your customer!

Wow, thats really not many things I dislike about wally world, I thought there was more, well, guess not.  anyways - point is, I dont like wal mart. if you do, shut up and (next line stolen from www.loserasshole.com)   go wash yourself off with a gallon of gasoline then dry yourself off with a blowtorch.  have a nice day

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