Fleetmack.com - Fast Food Restaurants Suck

Logo

"If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up." --Mitch Hedberg

Fast Food Restaurants are fucking retarted (6-20-02)
sorry, it's pretty vulgar - i got pissed when i was writing it, i just have so much hate in me right now!! ahhhH! disclaimer applies

Have (note the big "H". i feel like i'm typing a newspaper) I ever told you how much I fucking hate fast food restaurants? The only good one in the world is Quizno's and since Dave Thomas is dead now and I dont' have to watch those fucking stupid commercials, I like Wendy's a bit now as well. But I want to tell you why the fuck I hate fast food restaurants. First of all - what is this stupid shit about the sizes? i go to mcdonalds and order a medium drink last week - they no longer have medium drinks. their sizes were "large", "extra large" and "super size". what the fuck is that? convert them back to small, medium and large. "no sir, the smallest we have is large". THEN FUCKING CALL IT A SMALL!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP YOUR ASS YOU HIPPIE???? What kind of fucking moron thought that idea up? I expect next time I order a big mac they'll say "sorry sir, we only have a super-size mac, really super-size mac, and humongus mac now. the big mac just wasn't cutting it." idiots. i think this all stems back to the CEO of mcdonalds having a small penis. this is the only way I can justify this. when he got home his wife said "you have a large penis" so he thought, "hmmm...large must mean small. i will name all our small drinks "large", similar to how my small cock is deemed "large" by my wife! my cousin, leroy, he has a huge cock, his must be a super-size cock (aka...large)". that is the only justification i have. until they rename all the mcdonalds shit to small-medium-large - we MUST assume that the CEO has a small cock. Seriously though, this is the cup I got today at "Super Size". Does Anything need to be this big? Any bigger and I'll need a tapper to get into the damn thing. Pic 1 Pic 2

So I was in the car with a friend the other day who ordered something at a drive-through for Burger King. Now if that isn't the most unsuitable name for a restaurant i've ever seen, i don't know what is. The first item on their value-combo list was the whopper. followed by the CHICKEN whopper. followed by the CHICKEN sandwich. followed by the CHICKEN WHOPPER JR. combo. then the fish sandwich. where are all the burgers? why the fuck don't they just call it Chicken King? they dont sell any fucking burgers there anymore - and even the ones they do sell are about 50% made up of soy. for some reason, i see this as hypocritical. why the fuck are they called ham-burgers in the first place? is it a patty made of ham? no - it's a patty made of hamburger. it should be called a hamburger-burger. i've never understood that. perhaps the CEO does not want to rename it to Chicken King becuse he also has a small penis (they also do the large, x-large, king size shit) and didn't want to be known as the head of a chicken shit company with a small penis. the small penis was enough alone to piss him off.

Condiments flat out suck. i hate ketchup. mayo disgusts me. ranch is solid fat. the only 1/2 way decent stuff is barbecue sauce and (at arby's) ar-b-q sauce. that stuff is acceptable. so why is it that no matter what the fuck i order, it has either ketcuhup or mayo or both on it by default??? thats fucking retarted. doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of having the ketchup dispensers for everyone to use. so every time i am a fucking retard and actually go to a fast food burger joint, i order something - hell, even if i order chicken mcnuggets i say "PLAIN - NO MAYO NO KETCHUP". how is that such a difficult command? 87.4% of the time i still get mayo and ketchup all over my shit and i hate it. i want to pull a curt klaver and spit it out at the pimple-faced high school drop out fucker working for $5.50 an hour to support his trailor payment and 3 kids from the fat red-headed chick working the fry machine. give me a break. The only things that belong on a hamburger are onions and pickles. even if you disagree with me on that fact, can you honestly tell me that they use even remarkably close to quality pickles? hell no - those pickles suck more ass than a gay porn star. quiznos has good pickles, so do sit-down restaurants. why the hell do we get these flat floppy things that reek and you can't eat unless you have the whole pickle in one bite or it drips down the side of your mouth with the plethora of ketchup and mayo they saturated your liquid-grease bun with?? and lastly on this subject - what in the hell is up with people who ask for "ketchup on the side" where they don't put it on their burger - but put a huge glop of the shit on their tray and dip their burger in it. are you trying to not only make a mess out of the tray and your mouth/face, but in the process the ketchup tastes better if you dip it rather than put it on? i will never understand that one. the ONLY thing ketchup is good for was in "Dumb and Dumber" when jim carey pretends he got cut shaving using it. other than that - worthless disgusting shit. mayo is 100% fat along with ranch and nobody realizes this.

I hate Jared Fogel. here's the lesson subway has told us in plain ass words - "eat healthy sandwiches and exercise and you will be healthy". what fucking genius thought of that? do you think i'm an idiot? why don't we show someone who's been healthy their whole life eating sandwiches insead of some fat fuck that got skinny because after several years of being a fat ass he realized he should eat healthy. newsflash for you - if you go out and buy a loaf of bread, sandwich meat, and some veggies - you can make the equivilent of about 3 subway sandwiches for the price of 1. but wait - why do that when subway can do it for you? the lesson here - don't be active and do somethign yourself for cheap, take the easy (AND LAZY) and more expensive way out and let us do something for you. subway just thinks, "hey - these people want to be active and healthy and should eat our food becuase, being so active and healthy, they must be stupid and entirely too lazy to make their own food so we'll make more of it and show you an ex-fat fuck eating our food so you want to be an ex fat fuck too". contradiction? i think so. so this fat fucking lady comes into subway. "Hmmmm, turkey sandwich has only 5 grams of fat! ok - i'll have a footlong sub (which makes it 10 grams of fat). I'll have cheese on that (add 10 more grams of fat to it) and extra mayo (add 20 grams of fat). WOW! i'm eating healthy and it tastes great". hey fatass - your subway "5 gram of fat sandwich" now has 40 grams of fat - 4 more than a big mac. get your fat ass to jack in the box and eat something you can devour in 3 bites and get your hands greasy so you can be all lubed up for the masturbating you need to do when you get home becuase you're too fucking fat to get anyone to sleep with you. and what is that shit anywyas, "pickles, jalapenos, and extra mayo". hey stupid fuckhead - there is no mayo on it yet - how can you put on extra? do i go out and buy my first car and call it my "extra car". NO! until you have SOME mayo on your sub - you CANNOT have extra mayo! no matter how hard you try! the ONLY thing in the world you can have none of - gain a little bit and be able to call it extra, is EXTRA BRAND GUM!!!! how much will this sub be sir? "well sir. the sub is free with an extra of $5.99 before you walk out the door with it". stupid. but back to Jared. ok - big ups to him for losing weight. you are high and mighty. but let me tell you a little story about 10,000,000 other fuckers just like you that got off their fat subway-eating ass and cooked their own meals and ran and lifted their way in shape. fuck, this is a story just waiting for a scandal. i can see the headlines now 4 years donw the road "JARED FOGEL FOUND TO HAVE HAD LIPOSUCTION DONE 3 MONTHS PRIOR TO SUBWAY SUCCESS". you fat lazy fucking liar.

lastly - taco bell. Hey-Zeus (not blasphemizing) Chripes, what is that place? first of all i want to make some chinese food out of their stupid fucking dog. "YO QUIERO KUNG PAO CHICKEN (aka....dog)" 2nd of all - stop using the slave labor to grow your tomatoes. thirdly, lose that fucking dumbshit idiot fuckhead from your commercials "would you say it was a tasty decision"???? i swear to God that fuck is the long lost brother to the idiot on the Dell commercials. I'm ready to drop my dell computer on the taco bell dog thanks to those fucking horrible excuses for commercials. and can 1 person honestly tell me they think taco bell has good beef? holy shit, you need a straw to eat that shit, and i've not ONCE gotten anything there that hasn't soaked through the tortilla thing. that place is the absolute eptiomy of a horrible establishment. they're open until 2? so what - so is wendy's. BOYCOTT TACO BELL - read why on RATM's website.

go get your soyburger from wendy's where they have real BBQ sauce to dump over your delicious $0.99 menu items. They have small-medium-large and Biggie Size. Now THATS the way to go. and they don't lie. named after a girl - not a product they don't have (burger king). they put thing in size orders. and you tell me that, although his commercials SUCKED ASS, that dave thomas was a liar. he ate his disgusting fattening food all the time and with pride - needed a quadrupal bypass surgery, and died of a heart attack. a truthful man with horrible commercials and an ugly daughter. truth goes a long way.