"I went to the doctor the other day, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula." --Mitch Hedberg

MTV - Have A Few More Beers, Drive Home

By Bryan Mack

07-06-02

    Sometimes, no wait - all the time, I wish that MTV was not a channel and was a Human.  Not just any human, but the clumsiest human being to ever roam the earth.  This kind of person would get thrills out of sticking forks in toasters and showering while curling it's hair.  It would love running with scissors and would die at a young age.  I wish MTV would die. Pronto. 

    Yes MTV.  Music Television.  Music - the sound of instruments and singing and dancing - frequenly show on MTV between the hours of 3:30p.m. and 4:00p.m. between reality shows.  Please change the name of the channel to TTV (teen TV) or RTV (reality tv).  Now I will give MTV props for being original - they were the first ones to come up with the barrage of shows that make me want to go give people polio and smallpox because watching the shows are so horrible that watching people suffer from smallpox would be much more fun to watch.  Let's first talk about "The Real World".  If you watch that show - you are a buffoon and need to get a checkup from your neck-up.  What the fuck is that show and what the hell is wrong with everyone?  The title couldn't be more misleading.  I rarely come across a house of 7 people living in it (is it a frat??).  I rarely see 7 24 year old people living in a multi-million dollar house in the downtown of a very large city that consists of a pool table, pool, beachfront view, 27 computers, yadda yadda fucking yadda.  They have that house loaded - yet they all share rooms?  What the fuck is that? that's stupid in of itself, if you're going to build that big of a house - build more rooms!  in the "real world" how many of your friends age 24 share bedrooms? i'll tell you how many - the married ones, that's it!  you put me in a bedroom with the gay guy that every season has to have and i'll fucking go berserk as well! STOP SNORING FAG!  and why is everybody so pissed on that show? they have to live together for 3 months and they cannot fucking do it.  honestly - how many fights have you ever had with a roommate in your life?  2 maybe?  how come these 7 people have 4 practically fist-fight fights each show! someone didn't empty the dishwasher - it's suddenly a racist issue and results in someone moving out.  IT'S JUST A DAMN DISHWASHER CALM DOWN! i honestly think when they screen applicants for that show that they must take a temper-test.  only people with short tempers can be on that damn channel.  It's so stupid - back to the name issue - in "the real world" does everybody have a perfect body?  so far - MTV has made us believe that in "the real world" all races live together in huge houses with no jobs and all have perfect bodies.  last time i checked - i live with 3 people - we work an average of 45-50 hours/week and our house is average at best, now THAT'S the real world.  want to watch "the real world". come with me to work - watch me cook food - watch me go to bed.  thats the real world, not this gay fucking show.  even the scenes they pick are stupid.  the guy just sits there and says "ok what should we do this episode. I KNOW! lets show them playing pool, talking on the phone with their ex-girlfriends, yelling at each other from across the room, and then we'll interview each of them on how much they hate each other and cannot take much more of it! that'd be unique huh?!"  you know that everyone on that show just wants to fuck each other. i bet the day each season is over there is just this huge orgy that they couldn't wait for because they needed those damn cameras out of their face.  by the way - in "the real world" - you don't have a damn camera in your face your whole day.    it's great that this show is on Music Television.

After "The Real World" is over, we get more of the same, road rules.  great show - FOR ME TO POOP ON! *triumph*.  the writer thought "ok, these people will get REAL pissed if instead of a huge house, we make them drive in this asshole RV with a dead horse head on the front of it. let's tape them doing that!"  so we get to see people in a car together for 24 hours a day.  as if it isn't bad enough that i sit in traffic for close to 2 hours a day to work that when i get home and turn on the tube, i have to watch OTHER people sit in traffic.  FUCK YOU MTV!! the LAST thing i want to do after sitting in traffic is look at people in a car.  All reasons I hate the real world also apply to Road Rules.

WWF is not musically related whatsoever. 

So MTV's next plot was my personal favorite.  "we're a music television channel, hence MTV.  lets make the worst show ever just to piss off Bryan Mack.  We'll merge the two worst shows ever created and call it "the real world - road rules challenge".   GIVE ME A BREAK! they get these temperamental tools together to see how pissed they can be as a group! they do gay shit like bungee jump for $1000.  let me see, last time i checked it costs like 100 bucks to bungee jump - i didn't get paid a grand to jump off a crane with a huge rubber band tied to my legs.  But they live in "the real world" so i guess i live in the "fake world".  i work my ass of sitting at a desk and make about $XXX a day, these fucks get a grand for jumping off a crane then they cry about it! I CAN'T DO IT!! go get an acting job missy, don't be a stupid bitch like you are. jump off the damn crane.  another great musical show on MTV

How old is Kurt Loder?  holy fuck!

The osbornes is arguably the stupidest show ever created. who the hell watches that show? it's retarded! it took me about 3 months of listening to everybody say how great that show is before i got around to watching it - and you know what i forgot to do while watching it?  laugh.  i must have forgot because i was too busy deciding which sharp object i should shove into my eyes so i didn't have to torture myself by watching a drugged out fucker that cant talk or walk try to chase a cat.  what is so funny about that show? is it because he swears and they beep out every other word?  i'll let you in on a little secret - I SWEAR! come to my house and watch me cook spaghetti and i'll say "fuck! it's boiling over the pot!"  0 of you would laugh if i said that, but if Ozzy said it on The Osbornes the whole nation would laugh, they'd laugh so hard you'd think that the photosynthesis process in plants was releasing nitrous oxide instead of air.  "OH MY GOSH! OZZY SAID 'FUCK IT'S BOILING OVER' AND WATER SPILLED OVER ONTO THE OVEN! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA OHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHHAHAHA OHAHHHH HAHAHHAHAHAHAH CAN'T BREATHE LAUGHING TO HARD HAHAHHAHAHA"  shut up fag, its not funny. its an old guy swearing. an ugly fat daughter that cant sing worth a shit.  a geek that thinks he's an alternative freak just because his dad eats bats, and a bitchy ugly wife that bosses everyone around.  get that show off the air now.

How many of you watch South Park?  I almost get pissed when watching it for one reason. If i have to piss - i go at commercials.  Commercial break begins, i get up to piss - by the time i'm in the bathroom with dick-in-hand - the commercial break is over and i miss part of the show.  they show like 1 god-damn commercial during commercial breaks on that channel.  while typing this rant up, i have MTV on behind me - and i did a little experiment.  i just couned the commercials between sets.  there were 16 commercials.  i can only watch so many kids put zit cream on them, can only buy so many slim jims, and have no urge to buy the britney spears "crossroads" dvd.  i'm not going to wear k-swiss shoes because of that faggot afro-wearing tool "i wear   my k-swiss.  i wear my k-swiss".  that guys got some musical talent man! what a rapper! where did he come up with those lyrics as he nodds his head up and down like hes rapping? "i     wear    my k-swiss.   i wear my k-swiss".   yeah go man! rap rap rap! you rule! MTV has horrible commercials and too many of them.  my best guess would be because their sponsors won't pay dick to play these shitty shows so they have to play 8x as many commercials.  Adidas would say "i'll pay comedy central $400,000 to play my commercial during south park.  MTV - you can have $3.78 to play our commercial during the real world"  hence - why you have so many fucking commercials on MTV. that is gayer than elton john on a date with christopher lowell.

How many of you like TRL...the show so cool we can't tell you that TRL stands for Total Request Live.  Do they call South Park "SP"  do they call Married with Children "MWC".  no - because those shows are cool.  but total request live apparently is just too cool to even have its name said, so they abbrev'd it with TRL.  I would love to go on that show and pick my videos one day.  I haven't watched that show in like 3 years but i guaran-damn-tee that i can tell you what will be tomorrows top 10

10) backstreet boys    9)ja rule or some other skinny black dude with a huge chain    8)britney spears    7)n-synch    6)christina aguilera    5)eminem     4) nelly       3)backstreet boys        2)n-synch        1)britney spears.

WOW! that wasn't predictable.  Carson Daly: "today we have a guest on TRL"   let's see whose turn of those in the above rotation is it to appear on the show?  i hope it's britney so i can  stare at her for awhile, because if i have to look at nelly with his female-name and gay band-aid on his face i'm going to throw a sledge through my roommate's TV. If i see any more 13 year old girls screaming - i'm going to shoot them.  if i see any more people start to talk when they announce a video on the street then they yell then scream I'm going to kill YOU!  "up next is backstreet boys teARING UP MY HEART YEEEHEYEYHJEIFHEEEYEYYEYEYEYYEYEEHHEYEYEYEYEYYAAYYEYEYYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  shut up you little skanky whore. go have sex with a harpoon or something please and ruin your life for just physically abusing my ear. Let me tell you what TRL would be like if i hosted it.  first off - we'd get rid of that gay name and call it "mack's picks, if you dont like them turn the channel fuckhead".  i would have this show on VH1 because VH1 rules and has music-related things on it (unlike another certain channel i've heard of - hehe :oÞ)  i'd say "today on the show we have Sully from Godsmack.  He will kill you if you talk to him or scream.  if any girls under the age of 17 are in the crowd - i'm going to send you to the solitary confinement room with Mick from Slipknot where you will be punched and stomped on until you die."  i'd say "here's the new hit from Chimiara - a kickass band from Cleveland sure to make its way up the charts. and on tomorrow's show we'll be doing something special for you.  we're going to have group prayer that the rocket lance bass from n-synch goes into space with blows up and chars like the space shuttle challenger so we never have to listen to his fucking music again!"  my show would rule.

Hey MTV - the presidential election is just over 2 years away - isn't it about time to start your stupid "Rock The Vote" campaign you've run the past 20 years?  do you honestly think people watch that?  man - if only i could shoot the founder of MTV i'd be partially happy.

Do you know why kids these days are losing their virginities when they're 6 1/2 years old, abortion rates are at their all time high, and just why girls are whores anymore?  because of MTV. i don't remember what it's called - but they have this soap-opera show on there now, it is the stupidest thing since un-sliced bread (just slice it for me! i'm going to do it anyways!).  What does this soap opera involve? it involves people fucking, giving and getting head, and more fucking. They just sleep around like lot lizards and Tijuana whores.  Honest to God - this is a line from the show I saw:  "Why did you sleep with him, I thought you didn't like him?"   -- "Well, I didn't like him that much but he's cute.  But I really want to sleep with his brother now".  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???? do you know how many 14 and 15 year old girls just picked up that message - the message is: You don't need to like somebody to have sex with them, just do it as much as you can with as many people, preferably inter-family, as you can as often as you can.   What a message MTV is sending to us - this show is closely followed by MTV trying to promote abstinence and all this other gay shit.  They say they're all proud because jessica simpson is a virgin.  And Britney is supposedly a virgin - MY FUCKING ASS SHE IS! you're telling me that the hottest 20 year old girl on the planet who got a tit-job and shows off her slutty body like she should :oÞ has not once had sex?  fuck you you lying whore.  anyways - my daughter (little fleetwood) will NOT be watching that show - furthermore, when she comes around (hopefully not for 9 years!) she will NOT be dating until she's 39 or i'm dead - whichever comes last.  MTV promotes free and frequent sex among young people and they hate kids and want them all to die of AIDS.  If more kids get AIDS - then more kids will watch the fucking "AIDS KILLING AMERICA" specials that air weekly on MUSIC TELEVISION.  man i hate that channel. that show alone lost all my respect for MTV. 

I honestly could write close to 73 more pages, but im just going to write 2 lines instead.  I hate MTV and if you don't go eat a nice bowl of shit, listen to some cranberries, and vote for George W. Bush so you can burn in hell with osama bin laden, dave matthews, and robin williams!

ok - 1 more final though - WHAT THE FUCK DO ANY OF THESE SHOWS HAVE TO DO WITH MUSIC!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?

I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and having meth dealers across the street doesn't help!

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