Malls

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"I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: 'Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.'" --Mitch Hedberg

Malls = Purgatory

7-15-02

Malls are fucking retarded. Whoever thought of the idea should be beaten with a pick-axe. Who invented this version of Hell anyways? There are 3 things malls are good for. 1) Sbarro pizza 2) Stealing coins from the fountains 3) Watching little kids get beaten by their parents.

Do you know why malls suck so bad? let me rephrase that - can you give me one good reason malls are good? I need to side with Stephanie and Katie O on this one - go to super target, they got what you need! Honestly - what do you need to buy? Toiletries, groceries, bathroom accessories, towels, kitchen utensils - go to target, they can cover you. Need anything else in the world? Go to ebay. If you catch me in the mall, I am there for 1 of 2 reasons. I'm with someone who wants to go to the mall, or, I'm in purgatory. Let me give you a walk through of a typical time at the mall for me:

3:00. I leave my house. I drive the 15-20 minute ride to the mall at any given time. I get stuck behind some fucking moron who is sitting there waiting for the couple he sees in the entry way of sears to walk out to his car - start the car - back his car out - and drive away - strictly to get his parking spot. These fuckers wait for 3 or 4 minutes for someone to back their car out to get a parking spot. In the meantime, about 5 cars are stuck waiting behind you. You lazy fucker, get moving, save time, take the parking spot that may be 10 spots further away and get in the fucking mall already. By the time you wait for that one spot (or drive around endlessly looking for a very close parking spot) I will park 3 blocks away, walk to the mall, get all my shopping done, and get back to my car - you'll still be there waiting for that spot to open up so you don't have to walk an extra 20 feet to the mall. That's why you're so fat there, tubby. Hell - that explains it all - you are fat so you're going to the mall to eat subway so you can be an asshole like Jared, aren't you?

3:30. Ok - so i'm parked and in the mall. I'm already pissed off for 4 reasons. 1) it took me too fucking long to drive to the mall. 2) i had to wait in the parking lot behind Joe Goodparkingspot and his Ford to get that "great parking spot". 3) In order to get to the actual mall I am forced to walk through the lingerie section of JC Penny's. 4) I already forgot what I came to the mall to get. Any-who, here I am, in the mall. I look around - I am the only person with sleeves on my shirt, everyone there is sheer white trash. Unless - of course - I go to flatirons mall where they practically have a dress code to get in it's so damn yuppie. (what does that stand for anyway - i forget...it's like...Young Urban Pre-teen Preppy Ignorant something right?) So I'm forced to look at all the white trash standing by the Piercing Pagoda mid-mall store where they sell fake gold and fake silver charms the size of a fist to put on your gay silver chain. Those are so fucking stupid. I hate silver chains, they should be melted and made into ford-driving-people-murder-machines so all those who drive fords would be murdered. We'd kill 2 birds with one stone there. That didn't' make much sense, but you get my point.

So here I am - in the mall - pissed off, forgot what i want to buy at 800% of the retail cost at 8% sales tax, I'm parked 3 blocks away and still have to walk back through the lingerie section at Penny's before I leave - and i haven't even started shopping yet. Do you know what the worst store in the mall is? The Disney store. Holy Fucking Pissants I hate that condemned store. It sucks major incredible ass. The place is packed wall-to-wall with parents, screaming twerps, and strollers. I have NEVER seen so many strollers in my life! where the fuck did they all come from? its like a test market for strollers in that store. On top of that - the sales-people there are more harassing than Buckle employees (and yes, I know, that's a BOLD statement). Stephanie and I went in there once (guess whose idea that was!) and this fucking lesbian whore of a saleswoman comes up to us and starts quizzing us as to which Disney movies I've seen. I tell her the only one I've seen is Aladdin (which is true). She starts picking up all these movies "I tell you what, you should buy 'The Land Before Time part 17 and Beauty and the Beast". FUCK YOU I HATE DISNEY SHIT! she honestly pressured us for about 10 minutes. we tried to walk away - she'd come up and say "have you seen so-and-so movie? oh it's great. you should buy this doll from the movie. and here's some refrigerator towels of that movie. buy the movie. hell, pay be $4000 and I'll come decorate your entire home with a "Little Mermaid" theme! wouldn't that be great!". at this time the only thing i can think of is putting her head in a vice and pressuring it until here eyes pop out - from here i would pour Tabasco on her eyes, poke them with ice picks, and then put snakes in the holes in her head where the eyeballs used to be. that'll teach that bitch for talking to me. fucking Disney saleswhore.( HA! spell check just gave me a red squiggly under "saleswhore" and recommended "saleswoman" ha! funny! i am amused by that - another wonderful thing to piss me off from Microsuck. - HA! another red squiggly - it wants "Microsuck" to be spelled as "Micro suck"!!) never talk to me again Disney bitch. go die.

4:00 Yes, I'm still in the mall. No - i haven't gone postal yet, I'm about to though. Some gay wad approaches me to fill out a survey - NO I DON'T WANT TO!! I am actually suckered into Sam Goody for a minute and see an album I'd like to buy - FUCK YOU! I'm not paying $18.99 for a cd! if I REALLY like them I'll go to best buy and pay $12.00 for it, otherwise consider it downloaded. I have finally remembered why I came to the mall by now - I need some cool stickers for my snowboard and vans skate park was closed, so i have to go to hot topic and get some new slipknot tribal "S's" for either side of my board - they're tight as hell. Now why is it - that while I'm walking down the mall, nobody can walk faster than 1 step per 24 seconds. if there's 3 people together, rest assured, they're standing 4 feet apart - taking up 12 feet of mall-width, and stopping in the middle of nowhere to look at some plastic whore ( a mannequin ) I'm behind them and cannot get around them. It's like being on a 2 lane interstate - and there's cars in both lanes going exactly the same speed. YOU'RE SCREWED! i cannot get around them! they just stop. i'm 1 foot behind them, i start to walk around them - but no - the bitch with a huge stroller for her triplets rolls by me and the fuckers start walking VERY SLOWLY again. I'm now stuck behind them again. It takes me 25 minutes to walk to hot topic.

4:35 I am finally at hot topic. The employees at this store have taken liberal issues way too far in my opinion and look like complete idiots. one chick that works at the one at Westminster mall has a barbell between her eyes above her nose and has chains connected to it from both earrings. She has her head shaved, nose and lip pierced, and wears all black and about 80 silver dog chains, studded bracelets and the like. She has bright red eye shadow running half-way up her face like Mimi on Drew Carey Show. She is so fucking ugly, who would date her? So always - I see my slipknot stickers, as I try to buy one - I have to listen to Tire Iron's Girlfriend pitch some "frequent hot topic buyer's card" scheme to me. I shoot her down and fear my life for turning her down. You can't trust the teens in this city - they're the ones who made the term "don't make me go Columbine on you" what it is today! fucking criminals.

5:00 I have wandered back through the idiots, strollers, old people, screaming kids, yuppie fucks outside of Abercrombie and American Eagle wearing their headsets (why do they wear those, honestly? is it too hard to walk the 10 feet to another employee to ask them a question that they must resort to headsets to do it? those are evil), and I'm now back walking through the lingerie section, back to my car. I discover a new door ding in my car from some fucker in his '92 mustang with a gay ford sticker across the back window. I stick a knife in his tire because he's so gay for door-dinging me and not leaving me a note saying he'll pay for the damages like a civilized being would do (as Vincent Vega says, 'You don't fuck with another man's car!' putting a knife in a ford's tires doesn't apply to that - ford's aren't cars, they're pieces of shit. they should be put in a paper bag and burnt on people's front porches).

5:25. I am home. It took me 2 1/2 hours to go to the mall to get a slipknot sticker for my snowboard. I hate life at this point and hate malls. Thank God I stopped at the Streetside Eatery on the way home and am eating this delicious meatball sandwich - it will make me forget all about my horrendous afternoon!