"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." --Mitch Hedberg

Youthanasia – a philosophy I think we all should adopt
and before you even read this - yes I meant to spell it that way!!!!
(written in July I assume after I got back from Portland?)

First - read this short paper I wrote for my Philosophy class at Iowa State in 1998

          Youthanasia (my definition) – The assault / murder of innocent children under a certain given age. You could give it the similie "Infanticide".  This is a word that many fear, loathe, despise – but most of all – should accept!  Until I took a philosophy course in my sophomore year of college at Iowa State University, I would say you were a fool if you thought this was a sane word.  However, here in Denver, CO in the year 2002 – I think you are a fool to not consider murdering your child at a young age.

            Honestly, you need to think about this.   Most things you buy in life, come with a warranty.  Your TV has a warranty.  Your Cell Phone has a warranty.  Hell – your wife has a warranty in the sense that you can annul that damn marriage in a matter of minutes these days.  Now why in the hell can't you get a warranty on your kids? You have them – squeeze that little 8lb bowling ball through the needle of an eye – it cries, shits itself, screams in public, pukes on your shirt, yadda yadda fucking yadda – return it! Commit infanticide and kill that little brat.  Parents these days are way too patient and let their kids get away with everything – my solution – kill the little rugrats! NOW!

            I just got back on a flight from Portland, OR – and you know what? On my flight TO Oregon and HOME FROM Oregon I sat by a baby. This kid – on both occasions did the following things: 

1)      Dressed horribly.   Honestly, even if I’m 2 months old you wont catch me wearing a gay ass pink jumper with stupid booties.   Teach your kids how to dress gay wad.  Either that or I’m releasing your pussy loudmouth punk into a pit of hungry Afghanistani elephants!

2)      Smell terrible.   I started wearing deodorant in the womb.  You’re 5 months old already – it’s time to stop stinking up this vessel in which we're flying.  If you’re going to stink it up, go hang with Pauly Shore or something.  No wait – here’s a jar of Gerber for you – please ignore the d-conn and arsenic in it, they’re full of vitamins!

3)      Stop crying already! Honestly! So you don’t have your boat you play with in the bathtub.  Cry about it you little pussy.  I play with my dick in the shower – you don’t see me crying because I can’t spank my jank on the plane do you? Grow up.

4)      I worked a good 20 hours to pay for my plane ticket.  It’s expensive and I get this tiny, uncomfortable plane seat.   You get to ride FREE and get pressed into a pair of breasts the whole way.  Why don’t you pay the $350 for a ticket and I’ll sit for free deep within your mom’s breasts.  Little fucker – go piss on an electric fence or something.  I’ll pay for that on pay-per-view

5)      How hard is it to control your piss?  You need to wear a diaper?  “oops I crapped my pants” Change your own damn diaper.  Even if you can’t – please, DON’T  EVER AGAIN let your mom change it on her lap sitting next to me on an airplane or I’ll give the gov’t a reason to increase airport security – because you’re getting thrown through the emergency exit.  Thank God they showed me that video before the flight on how to open the emergency exit…because your kid is going to need to learn to fly without a plane, wings, or parachute ASAP!!!

6)      Keep the shit in your mouth.  There is nothing less attractive than a 2 month old kid hacking spit all over his mom’s shoulder and having 23 assholes around him cheering him because it’s cute.   Just kill that kid and get if over with!

Do I want to have kids?  I doubt it, but if I do, please equip them with a warranty so I can "return" them if they suck.  Thank you for your time.

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