My Gas Station Would Kick Ass!

Logo

"I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: 'Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.'" --Mitch Hedberg

Gas Stations - what the fuck?!?!?!

8-12-02

There is nothing quite normal about a gas station. From the bathrooms, to the pricing, to the employees - there is just something wrong with those places. The only way you could fuck up a convenience store or gas station even more is to put it in a fucking mall or some stupid idea like that. Let's go on a run-through of what the goals of these gas stations these days are. You should be able to purchase gas. You should be able to get in and out of there very quickly. You should be able to pick up necessary items. You should have restroom facilities and snack foods. You should provide simple car accessories, such as quarts of oil, air freshners, and windshield wiper fluid. Newspapers and magazines should be for sale. Doesn't that sound "convenient" to you? wow - what a place! you can do all of that in one store! incredible - these places must kick major ass!

Far from the truth - they are fucking hell. I hate gas stations, i hate their products (except the super big gulp at 7-11, mmmm!), and they are the furthest thing from convenient. They fuck with your head like a rock star fucks with pamela anderson.

Let's start out with the most basic thing. As if it isn't stupid enough that somebody sells a candy bar for $0.99 instead of $1 - gas stations have to take it one step further. "Hey, we're assholes. Let's charge $1.38 and 9/10ths of a cent for gas". WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!? there is no such thing as 9/10 of a cent. Next time I go to a gas station I'm going to get exactly one gallon - get out $1.38 - whip out my ginsu scissors that i saw on TV that can cut pennies, cut off 10% of the penny, and pay with it. No - better yet, i'm going to give them $1.39 and ask for my change, see what those fuckers do then. I say we all boycott the 9/10 of a cent as it does not exist. What will happen next is some dumb fucker will start a gas station next door and charge 1.3889 per gas so it'll be just a bit cheaper. fucking homos.

So i'm there at the gas station. "pay at the pump" it says. but no - it's turned off because it's past 10p.m. and i have to go inside to prepay. HEY FUCKER - YOU HAVE MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER - why need to prepay? I don't get that. just because it's late night and people might drive off - that makes no difference - why do they disable the pay at the pump after dark? thats so fucking stupid. not all gas stations do that - but some do.

So on the rare case that the pay at the pump is turned on, the receipt never prints. Now I'm a fucking idiot - i keep all my receipts. But 84.432% of the time, i get "print error. see cashier for receipt". so i have to walk in anyways to get my receipt. While i'm in there waiting in the 10 person line for the receipt, i notice why it takes so damn long for the line to move. Julie Trailortrash is at the front of the line buying 10 lottery tickets that take 10 minutes to print. She is smoking a vantage cigarette in the gas station while the idiot high-school dropout whore of a gas station employee cannot figure out how to change the receipt roll in the cash register. she calls the manager from home to come in and change the receipt roll for her cuz she's so damn stupid, it takes me 15 minutes to get my receipt. how convenient (that actually happened to me in grand juncion, iowa).

Oh fuck me in the goat-ass. I love paying $2.89 for a quart of oil and $4 for windshiled washer fluid that is worth about 1 and 9/10ths of a cent.

Honestly - they do have some stuff there that would be conveinent to buy and not have to go to the grocery store for. Milk - perfect example. But when in the fuck did an extra $1 on the price of milk justify convenience? if you're that fucking lazy to drive an extra block and get out of your car to get milk, you need to be shot. no trial. no execution date. you should be shot. preferable in the face, the ear to be exact. I will not pay 150% of the price of anything in a gas station. period.

Let me tell you a little story. One night, sophomore or junior year in college, John Danner, Kris Riesenberg, Tony Seidl, and I ride up to Storm Lake on a Wednesday night to go to Malarky's (nickel pitchers!). we'll, i had class at 8:00 the next day and needed to be back - it's about a 2 hour drive. we had to leave at 5 or something the next morning to get back. Needless to say - it was worth it, but a long drive. We stopped at the gas station in Storm Lake where Lloyd (Kris) decided to get a hot dog. Mmmmm, nothign better than a gas station hot dog at 5:30a.m. that's been sitting there since 7:00 the previous night is there? My question here (besides the obvious "why the fuck did lloyd want this thing?") is -- how in the living world can they be allowed to sell a hot dog thats been sitting out that long? there is no way that is healthy. how often do those hot-dog rolling-heating machine things look clean? i bet they never clean them.

Speaking of cleaning - don't even get me started on a gas station bathroom. Wow. The doors never lock - if you have to take a shit, you're flat out screwed. there's piss all over the floor, toilet seat, toilet PAPER, sink knobs, and most likely - your feet. anyone who would ever use a condom from a gas station bathroom dispenser machine is downright stupid. you mean to tell me that a neon pink condom made by "horny enterprises" is a reliable condom? shit, i'd almost want to put on a condom, poke a hole inthe end of it, and pee through it if i had to pee bad enough to use a gas station bathroom. fuck. i hate gas stations!

I drive a honda accord, it rules. I love her so much. She has a 15.5 gallon gas tank. period. it is 15.5 gallons. I have run out of gas before, filled it up on an empty tank, and it's like 15.43 gallons. the manual of the car says it is a 15.5 gallon gas tank. period. the gas tank is 15.5 gallons. While driving back home to Denver this past xmas break - i was a bit low on gas. my gas light wasn't even on. So I stop at this filthy tramp of a gas station by Ogallala, Nebraska. Keep in mind - gas light not even on. When my gas light IS on, i usually have about 1 1/2 to 2 gallons to go. meaning - no gas light on means i should take a MAXIMUM of 14 gallons. This shady whore of a gas station filled me with 17 gallons of gas at a whopping $1.899/gal. Hey fuckwads - as if you aren't already screwing me over with the price of gas - get your pumps adjusted you thieves! I go into the store fuming mad and see the 88 year old lady behind the counter and i blow up on her. "your gas tanks are WAY off". she says "we just had them checked and certified in october" i say "that may be, but they're way off now" she gets irate with me "sir, we had them checked and they are accurate" i say "ma'am - I JUST PUT 17 GALLONS IN A CAR WITH A 15 GALLON TANK!" she says "maybe your tank is larger than you think". i am fuming at this blue-haired old ex-hooker of a senior citizen at this point. not only does she suck for being old and driving slow, but man - she is stupid. without paying - i run to my car and get my car manual. I open it - SEE! 15.5 GALLONS! she says "well, that manual must have rounded" i ask for her full name, the owner's name, the phillip's 66 gas station number (store number) address, etc, etc, etc. i get all this info and say i will pay but am reporting them. I report them to the BBB of nebraska. nothing happens. it's a fucking conspiracy i tell you!!!!!!!

I cannot wait until I win powerball and build fleetwoodmackville, co (my own suburb - i've probably told each and every one of you about my plan) Within fleetwoodmackville there will be a gas station, it will be called "No Bullshit". The place will rule. To start things off - you need a Ph.D to work there. You may say "who, with a college degree, would work at a gas station?" hey fucking idiot that thinks that - this gas station will make millions because it's such a good idea that i will be able to offer a starting salary of $125K. Anyone with a Ph.D will be able to do the 3 things it takes to run a gas station that no gas station employee has. 1) be able to multitask. ie. - ring in someones gas WHILE another person's powerball ticket is printing instead of waiting 2 minutes for it to print. 2) clean the bathrooms. 3)change the receipt roll. so yes, you can count on our employees. We will incorporate vacuum tubes - similar to those at bank drive-ins - for late-night pay, so you don't need to walk all the way into the gas station to pay. We will have tax incorporated into everything's price. If you want a candy bar - it won't be marked $0.99 so when you pay for it it's really $1.04. we will also make everything equal out to an even amount. there will be no "take a penny leave a penny" dish because pennys are not allowed in "No Bullshit" gas stations. You take a candy bar that is $.99 in a 7-11, well - in No Bullshit the same candy bar costs $0.94 - but the tag says "$1". there is no thinking, we do the thinking for you. if (in iowa) you buy a 6 pack of beer - it is marked $5.29. on top of this you pay $0.30 in deposit and $0.32 in taxes. This adds $0.62 to the cost- your 6 pack costs $5.91. I will round it down and give you a No Bullshit price that is easy to figure out. I will simply mark the 6 pack as $5.75 - then below it it will say ($5.13 + $0.30 tax +$0.32 bottle deposit). It'll take the thinking out of it and you'll never have to deal with pennies. pennies are gay. they're not even silver like the cool coins. All the gas stations are going to be charign $1.39 and 9/10 of a cent for gas. I will have my gas 9/10 of a cent cheaper and mark it $1.39. but the sign wont just say "$1.39 Unleaded" it will read "$1.39 and 0/10 of a cent UNLEADED". we won't carry ethanol because we're not taking the communisitic approach of providing a "government tax-exempt" gas just so farmers get a break. if we carry that, i will demand that the government waive the tax on all beer sales as breweries need the business too. (don't get me started on why i hate ethanol - i realize that last statement probably made no sense to you - that will be another rant sometime soon). Not only will we NOT sell frozen burritos, but we will not allow you in the store if we find your past record indicates you have purchased one at some other gas station. There is no smoking in No Bullshit. My gas station will rule - No Bullshit.

So to all you gas stations out there - eat my fucking anus. i hate you and you need to get nuked over to China where they want communist fuckers like you. Have a nice day