You knew this was coming --- LEARN TO DRIVE!!

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"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty." --Mitch Hedberg

LEARN TO FUCKING DRIVE ALREADY

9-17-02
this really isn't funny, just true

Just once, one day in my life, I'd like to arrive at work not pissed off. If this cannot happen, I'd like to arrive home from work not pissed off. This will never occur becuase of one simple fact in life - people cannot drive. That's all there is to it. If people knew how to drive, it wouldn't take me 45 minutes to drive 20 miles home from work. If people knew how to drive, I would be happy. But you know what, that isn't even 100% true. Even if people could drive, their cars would piss me off. People are idiots. I would like to propose that all those who do not know how to drive take a leap into a bucket of sulphuric acid and die. Let me explain a few things to you, if you didn't know these rules of driving in the past, you have no excuse anymore after reading this to do as I say and become a mediocre driver at best.

1) Turn signals are not that hard to use. There is a little lever just below the steering wheel on the left hand side. If you would like to make a left turn, please press down on this bar appromixately 300 feet before you turn. If you wish to turn right, raise the lever at the same distance before your turn. If you wish to change lanes, please signal the appropriate direction so I know before you cut me off and I have to slam on my breaks to not rear-end you becuase you just cut me off going 50 while i'm going 85 here in the HOV lane. fuck-wad. turn signals aren't that hard to use. If you cannot use them, you have no reason to be on the road. Honestly, if it's that fucking hard for you to raise or lower a small lever to show the other drivers what you're doing, then don't fucking drive. RTD will kindly drive you wherever you wish for the rest of your life, and they will use their turn signals.

2) Don't drive a ford. Ever. Even if you are Joseph GoodDriver, you are still a danger to society in your piece of shit car that can blow up or hurt me at any time. If you feel the need to drive a mustang, please realize that it's not a cool car whatsoever. Your mustang costs about $25K new and will be worth a measly $17K within about 1 year. It is not fast. It is not cool. It has shit for performance. You look like an idiot driving it. The least you can do is realize that your mustang (or other ford) is a piece of shit and not a fast sports car - stay in the right lane, drive slowly, and stay away from those of us who know better. If you drive a F150 - please refrain from thinking it's remotely close to cool. The fat tires you put on it are not cool and, as afforementioned, it is still a ford. Get it off the road.

3) When merging onto the interstate, I request that each time you merge, please get the nearest edition of Webster's dictionary and look up the word merge. Here, I shall give you a definition: Merge: To combine or unite. Do you understand what this means? It's quite simple actually. It means combine. Combine (in this case) means to unite 2 like things without anybody noticing the difference. Let me break this down further to you....if you are merging onto an interstate, the traffic is moving at a bare minimum of 60MPH. This means that while you are on the on-ramp, you drive at least 60MPH. The reason for this would be, once you actually get to the interstate, you will be going the same speed as the rest of the traffic, this will be great because nobody will have to slow down to let you in because you are driving the same speed as them - hence, merge. nobody notices as you slide right in as you are doing the same thing as them. When Billy "tree-hugger" Subarudriver is merging at 40MPH onto I25 at 7:30 in the morning, everybody has to slow down to 40MPH to let him in - this includes everyone on the interstate and everyone behind him in traffic. Why the fuck do they call it rush hour? They should change it to "dipshits don't know what merge means hour"

4) I do not give 2 shits if you're being polite or not, if there is a broken down car on the side of the road, you DO NOT slow down to 30MPH to pass this broken car. People say "but if i don't slow down, i may hit the car". bullshit. that car on the shoulder of the road is further away from you than the car driving right adjacent to you in the next lane, and trust me, if you hit that moving car, it's going to hurt a hell of a lot more than hitting the parked car. Do you slow down to 30MPH whenever a car passes you on the left? no. Just keep going your normal speed. Another note for you - if a cop has somebody pulled over for speeding, he's not going to see you drive by and let his pulled-over car go so he can jump back in his paddy-wagon to chase after you for driving 10 MPH over the limit. He's already got his culprit nailed and he could care less about you. And don't give me that shit "i just slowed down so i wouldn't hit the police man since he was out of his car". bullshit. if he's a good cop, he knows better and walks up the passenger side of the car. if he's a bad cop, fuck him and hit him - who cares. it's his fault for running across the highway into oncoming traffic during rush hour. cops aren't fucking idiots - you drivers are the idiots.

5) Wear a helmet you fucking motorcycle freak. If I see you lying on the ground in a pool of blood because you were going 80 on your crotch rocket and wrecked it, I have no choice but to laugh my fucking ass off at you. wear a helmet you dumbfuck, you don't look cool without it - you look like an idiot and you deserve to die becuase you have no brain. at least your motorcycle isn't a ford. you lucked out there.

6) MESSAGE TO ALL PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 65 - THERE IS NOTHING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, STOP LOOKING AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. LOOK AHEAD OF YOU. KNOW WHAT IS AROUND YOU. STOP LOOKING TO YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT. WATCH THE FUCKING ROAD YOU THREAT TO SOCIETY.

7) If you have a Honda (like me) please realize a few things. 1) a big spoiler doesn't make it a fast car 2) your mops muffeler modification actually takes horespower away from your shitty civic. 3) your blue background honda emblem does not match your car whatsoever. 4) your car is not fast, it has 4 cylinders. if you want a fast 4 cylinder car, get a fucking audi or suburu Impreza. 5) a big spoiler doesn't make it a fast car. 6) No, I don't want to race you and I don't think my accord is faster than yours. I have a honda accord with 122K miles on it - it is reliable and gets me to where I want to go. It looks nice, doesn't break down on me, hauls bikes, ski equipment, and gets good gas mileage. I don't care if your gay civic has a stupid spoiler on it. You are dumb. You are giving my Honda a bad name.

8) They cost about $0.50. It takes 12 seconds to see if they work. If yours are broken - go buy new brake lights. Now.

9) No matter how closely it matches the color of your car, duct tape and red electrical tape do not fix bumpers or make me realize that you shattered your rear taillight. It looks horrible and will result in your car rusting out.

10) If you don't know how to tint windows, pay the $150 to get it done. Those bubbles look fucking terrible.

11) If you have one of those fucking gay "Native" stickers on your bumper that look like a colorado license plate - you are fucking stupid. who cares if you're native? was that your choice? even so - who cares? do you see new mexico or deleware people with stickers on their cars that say "Native" them? no - nobody cares and it actually makes you look pretty damn stupid in my opinon. "Look at me. i was born here and i stay here my whole life becuase i cannot make a decision to move by myself". concentrate more on your driving than decorating your car please.

12) Don't even get me started on cell phones - seriously. If you are capable of doing 2 things at once, ok - get in the right lane and drive while talking on your cell phone. NEVER under any circumstances are you allowed to be in the left lane OR change lanes if you are on your cell phone. Ever. Period. End of Story.

13) Ok - this ties in with "merging" - but when you get off the interstate and there's a triangular thing that you go around to make your right turn - hell, you don't need to be getting off the interstate. If you EVER make a right turn and there's a triangle thing and a mergle lane built specifically for the purpose of you merging into traffic - use the lane.....NEVER EVER EVER EVER sit there and wait for traffic to stop so you can merge into traffic - that is why the merge lane is there. I know you are confused, so here is a graphic to explain this one. (it's a large bitmap so may take awhile to load if your on dial-up)

14) Lastly, this has nothing to do with cars, but it pisses me off on my drive home from work every fucking day. Bums with signs. My God i want to kill them all. Every day, every fucking interstate exit there are bums with their fucking cardboard signs "homeless need help and money. god bless". "out of work. U.S. Veteran. Please help me". yeah - about that, fuck off bum. i fucking SWEAR TO GOD one day one of them fuckers on the Federal ramp off of I76 was talking on his cell phone while holding a sign up. my ass you need money. if you're that hungry sell your fucking phone. sell your dog. and stop begging me for money. every single day i pull up right next to them and if they look at me i just crank my stereo loud and start screaming along with the lyrics with them 4 feet from me. what do i care? i guaran-damn-tee you 99% of them who say they are U.S. veterans are not. even so - who cares? that just means they were too stupid to get a job or go to college sot hey went into the army - then when it's over they still expect to get by in life on that? fuck that. if i was out of work would i have a sign that says "computer programmer out of work. please help me by giving me money and feeding my dog. god bless". no. U.S. veterans is just their type of employement and that gets no more sympathy from me than an ex-janitor. fuck bums - they can go to soup-kitchens or something. and let me let you in on a little trick - THERE IS WORK OUT THERE!!! find it, don't expect me to hand you money on your on-ramp. so you're in a wheel chair. i dont give a fuck. i'm in a car - that's not going to get you my sympathy or my money. fuck off bums.

So in turn - please do the following to make my ride home more enjoyable 1) learn to drive 2)wreck your ford outside of rush hour 3)have a decent car - and if you cannot afford a decent car - keep your shitty car in good working order 4)stay out of my fucking way because i'm tired and need to be home by 5:30 to watch The Simpsons. C-ya