Dogs

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"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something." --Emo Philips

Dogs - They're only good in my Moo Goo Gai Pan
7-21-02
by Bryan Mack

Before I begin, just give this 911 call a listen, this call was made on 11-02-2005 in Aurora, Colorado. Now tell me, after listening to that, that dogs are safe. Get your damn murdering, worthless, man-made animals off this Earth. Here's what happened to the boy in the call.

Some people say "how come you hate dogs". Some people say "dogs are so cute". Other people say "I love dogs!". Others say "Dogs are smart". Keep in mind - this is what others say. What I say is "Dogs are fun to run over". I say "It is fun to put d-conn in a food and it is fun to put anti-freeze in their water". Yes ladies and gents, I detest dogs. Everything from their shedding to their gregarious nature. Dogs need to die and should be illegal in this country. They are not sanitary, not safe, and I just can't justify letting them live, it's pointless.

Even Toonces the cat can drive, but dogs - nope.

First off - 99% of dogs aren't even real animals, they're more of a man-made animal. How often do you run across a wild batch of pit bulls or Chihuahuas in the woods? You never do because they don't exist; they're man-made animals. We breed them. We force 2 similar yet different animals to have sex to create some weird different offspring. How is this any different from the concept of cloning? Ok, I realize they're 2 completely different things, but the CONCEPT is the same. We can go out and make a person through cloning and know what qualities to expect from that. We breed dogs to force them to pop out a puppy that has the qualities we want. It's bullshit that cloning is illegal if dogs can still be bred.

Here's what I'd like to do to every dog on Earth. (quicktime video)

Dogs shed and get hair all over my shit. I hate them for that. I will run over one tonight just because one got hair on my suit 8 months ago and I had to pay $12 to get it dry-cleaned. Fuck dogs.

The law reads that dogs need to be on a leash if outside, yet they rarely are. They just run around and shit in my lawn so when I'm walking out to my car bare-foot and expect to not step in dog shit because I don't have one of the stupid fucking things, I still step on shit. fuck that. My friend Andy had a goat (named Gotte). Goat was awesome. We kept him penned up in the backyard. Some fuckhead down the street in October of 2000 thought it would be a great idea to let his Siberian Husky out to take a shit - NOT ON A LEASH. The fucking dog comes over - jumps the fence and attacks Gotte. They (the people who were keeping goat, not the dog's owner) noticed in time and get the dog away - told the neighbor what happened - he said it wouldn't happen again. Yeah, right. About 2 weeks later - fuckhead neighbor guy lets the dog out - it jumps the fence and kills goat. His fucking gay ass mutt killed our goat. Gotte was cool. He didn't shed, bark, and yes - goat's are real animals. Fuck that guy and his damn dog. That is just one fatality that dogs have caused.

This guy knows how to deal with 'em.

California - neighbor lady lets her dog out and it goes into the neighbors apartment and kills the neighbor. You are telling me that dogs are safe? THEY KILLED THAT INNOCENT LADY!! One may say her door should have been shut so the dog couldn't have gotten in. My response to that - if nobody ever owned a dog in the first place we'd never have to worry about that. Dogs suck major ass. They kill goats and people and all they do when they're done is bark. The dog's owner was tried and received 4 years in jail. that is the biggest load of bullshit ever. Because of her and her pet she had custom made for herself - a lady is dead and all she gets 4 years? That is a HORRIBLE death too - to be mauled by a dog. I guarantee you that if a human killed a woman in the same way - she'd get death. But no - she gets 4 years. They should lock her up and throw away the key. Don't say "it wasn't her fault". Yes it was - it was her MAN MADE animal that killed it. Now if it was a wild animal - fine, it wasn't her fault. but dogs are man-made - meaning - she should be solely responsible with it. She should be tried for 1st degree murder and put away for life. Had that dog never been made - that woman would still be alive.

Oh wait - you think they're harmless, right?

They bark - and bark - and bark - and bark....AT NOTHING! (in dog talk) "Oh! someone's here! I better bark for 20 minutes" "Oh, someone got up from the chair, I better bark for 10 minutes". "Oh there's a dog about 200 yards from me, I better bark for 10 minutes". SHUT THE FUCK UP DOG!! When someone comes to my door do you see me screaming and hollering at him for 20 minutes and jumping on him trying to bite him? NO! And don't give me that fucking gay excuse "Well that's because he's a dog -that's how he says hi!". Who cares!? If humans reacted that way - if i did run up to you and yelled at you and tried to bite you would you say "Well - that's just the way Bryan says hi, so it's ok!". No, that'd be ridiculous, just as dogs.

By the way, dogs like destroying a child's hope he received from the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Let me ask you this, what would you think if you had a kid. One day, little Bobby or whatever the hell his name is, he eats a rotten hot dog and throws up after dancing to the Kangaroo song. (circa Big Daddy) He gets down on the floor and eats his puke. After this, he goes and just kicks the legs on a chair until it breaks. you would ground the hell out of this kid forever and get him some mental help for eating his puke. This is not normal. Dogs do the same thing every day - except they don't watch the kangaroo movie because they dont know how to use a tv or vcr (yeah - i thought they were smart?!) Dogs puke, eat it, then scratch your furniture until it's in shreds. Nobody cares! i'm telling you - something that eats its own puke (AND SHIT!!) is gross. just remember - that same mutt that just ate his own puke and shit is now licking your face. you now have dog shit and dog puke on your face and you think it's "cute". if it's so cute - come to my house and ill puke and shit on you and see what kind of reaction i get - it damn well better be that you think i'm cute - or you're a hypocrite.

I once had a paper route, dogs would bark at me and bark at me. Of course - the dumbshit Leib family down the street from me says "don't put the mail in the mailbox, throw it in the door". ok - so they have 3 dogs - a golden retriever, a little loud annoying fucking thing, and a great dane. 2 huge fucking dogs and the little annoying yapping fucker. every day of the week i'd throw their paper in the door (when the mailbox is right there anyways?!) and the dogs would come sprinting to the door barking their damn heads off - then they'd tear up the paper. every day. then the liebs would get mad at me for not waiting to hand them the paper. are you kidding me?! i'm going to stand there with the door open while 3 dogs come sprinting at me barking. fuck no - i throw the paper and get that damn door shut - but no, i'm the bad guy here because the DOGS tore up the paper. As much as I hated those dogs, i honestly wasn't afraid of them. i WAS, however, afraid of the 2 bulldogs at this other house and i will still - to this day - get flat out pissed off if you don't believe this story. ask john hornick or luke schumacher if you don't believe this. these 2 bulldogs had a fence around them about 5 feet high - and they would jump over the fence and chase me. they once chased luke about 2 blocks. so i actually told the lanes and my parents about this - and they extended the fence to about 6 or 7 feet high. the fucking mutts still jumped it and chased me. i ended up giving this kid down the street a gum-dinger a day to deliver their paper for me. but the part that itches me on this - is that neither the lanes nor my parents would believe me that the dogs could clear the fence - THE FENCE WAS BENT DOWN ABOUT 2 FEET BECAUSE THEY JUMPED AND PULLED IT DOWN! i would point this out to them and they'd laugh and make fun of me because they didn't believe me - making ME look stupid. so now - a dog has made me appear as a liar. so far - dogs are murders, goat-killers, framers (they framed me and got me accused of lying!), and flat out unsanitary.

I could go on for pages, but I won't - if you're not convinced by now, you're worse than those rotten, filthy, murdering, man-made animals. You probably voted for George W. Bush too and are now bitching about gas prices. Shut the fuck up and go die. Man dogs piss me off.