"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that." --Mitch Hedberg

I would rather watch MTV than these commercials
-by Bryan Mack

Oh the wonderful world of television.  Where you can sit down, change it to channel 107 [Comedy Central] and sit for hours and laugh, laugh, laugh.  From here you can change it to channel 112 [E!] to watch Brooke Burke and masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.  Thankfully these 2 channels exist.  As a matter of fact, I wish they would sell the Brooke Burke show [Wild On..]over to the Travel Channel or something.  The Anna Nicole show and Howard Stern make me hate that channel, but Brooke's beauty more than makes up for it.  Anyways - my point is, oh wait, I don't have a point.   I went off on a tangent because of how damn gorgeous Brooke Burke is.  Have I mentioned to yet how absolutely beautiful she is?

TANGENT!!!! I have decided to not write this article anymore, but I hate backspace so I'm not going to change the title of this article. If you want to read this article click here, I will bookmark it, but I'm going to talk about Brooke. This is now going to be my declaration for how absolutely beautiful some women in this world are.  And that's right, we're going to start out with Brooke Burke.   I bet you all thought I would say Laetitia Casta to start out with didn't you?   Well - you're right.

Laetitia Casta is just a few months older than I am, she was born in May of 1978 in France.  At age 15 she was discovered on the beach in France and was asked to become a model.  Now let me tell you - for this sole reason, I will always think it's acceptable to have sex with women under the age of 18.  Reasons other than this - no - but Laetitia 9 years ago - yes.  Man, if I would have met Laetitia Casta when she was 15 and I was 34, I wouldn't even hesitate to ask her out.  Honestly - is there a better beauty than this:

This woman is 24 years old and has already achieved the highest honor a human can reach - she got Bryan Mack to name his car after her.  I treat my car just how I would treat Laetitia if she were mine.  I keep her oiled up, keep her shiny and new, threaten the lives of those who try to hurt [door ding] her, give her everything she needs, and will keep her until she dies - and on another note, i would gladly dry her off with a chamois.  Hell, even the word chamois sounds French.  It was meant to be.  Yes, my car is just a perfect match for Laetitia.  It's just a shame this beautiful woman is married and I'm not into the whole adultry thing or man, she'd be all over me when I meet her!

So back to Brooke Burke.  Oh My.  This woman is just flat out unreal. Here is Brooke with few clothes. Here is Brooke with even fewer clothes.  Man, unreal.  They need to do a Wild On..... episode entitled "bryan's bed".   "Hi! I'm Brooke Burke and welcome to Wild on Bryan's Bed!  I tell ya what, this is the craziest place I've ever been!  I've decided to stay here the rest of my life!".  Damn right you did Brooke.  Damn right you did.  Trust me - she doesn't know it, but she sleeps with me every night for about 3 minutes.  She makes it go quick ;o)

Did I type that out loud?  Ok - I will start this article now.

So as I was saying a few paragraphs ago, commercials make me wish TV didn't exist with the exception of Comedy Central.  Commericals are horrible paradies of stolen jokes, talking animals, non-humorous jokes, celebrities that could give their own shit about a product, etc. etc. etc.

Let's start with Nextel right off the bat.  Fuck Nextel man, what a bunch of jerks.  Nextel must think we humans have an IQ rating of like 7, that and Dennis Frantz is undoubtably the stupidest human to ever hit the face of the earth.   He claims throughout the whole Nextel series of commercials that "I don't do commercials"......"I don't do ads".  Has Nextel duped Dennis into doing these commercials?  And if the are - how dumb is Dennis for letting the cameras fallow him around and tape him without noticing?  Since he "doesn't do commercials" perhaps they hid cameras and this whole thing is a scam which Dennis knows nothing about.  Seeing how he doens't do ads, and they exist - he must have been tricked somehow.  If this is the case, Nextel is a bunch of liars.  How can you have a sponsor like Dennis Frantz and not pay the man?  Man, Nextel are a bunch of liars and thieves.  They trick people into being on camera then they don't even pay them.  I bet that 17 years from now Dennis will find out he did commercials and will get pissed off and sue Nextel.  That'll teach 'em for making stupid commercials.   But ok, let's not be so nieve - perhaps Dennis does know of these commercials.   If this is the case - he's a fucking liar.  He lies to millions of viewers telling them he doesn't do commercials, while at the same time we're watching him on a commercial!  Dennis, you are insulting my intelligence - I see you are lying.   You say you don't do commercials?  I HAVE PROOF!! Stop lying and stop buying Nextel phones.

I'm not even going to explain this.  Think about it, you don't need to think about it too hard.  Levi's Jeans Commercials.  Get my drift?  If not - you are in luck.  You'll just have to die without ever knowing how stupid those commercials are.

Talking animals are way too abundant these days.  It started off with busch beans with the talking dog.  "Roll That Beautiful Bean Footage!".   From here it just got ridiculous.  Taco Bell, Aflac, Geico, Budweiser, hell - every damn company uses talking animals.  Do you have any idea how easy it must be to have a career in Marketing?  I shouldn't talk becuase I'm 3 credits away from having a double-major in Marketing - but honestly, talk about a no-stress job.  "Hmmm, we have a difficult campaign we need to work on and have no ideas.  Well, we can always just use the classic 'talking animal' commercials".  From here you immediately get a raise as if this were the most original idea ever thought up.

Who on earth ever takes a SUV where these people seem to drive them on the commercials?  I encourage you to look for the following things...the next time you see a Ford Explorer look who is driving, 9 times out of 10 it is a lady in a business suit.  Look at who is driving Range Rovers, Acura, BMW, Lexus, Toyota, etc. SUV's - are they driving them up over rocks and pulling up within inches of waterfalls?  No - they're not.  And apparently they are marketing to the wrong people.  When I am in the mountains I see a lot of pickup trucks, smaller sports cars, and subaru outbacks - the SUV's are the rich folks driving to Aspen to eat well and spend money.  Nobody drives through off-road rock paths.  Nobody plays "truck lacrosse" with their Pathfinders - if you want to show how your product is used, show some snobby people driving slowly because they're too afraid to roll their cars.  Are SUV's nice?   Yes.  But the pointlessness of their commercials is horrible.

The Appalachian mountains used to be high, rocky, mighty, and pointy.   Now they are rounded out and stupid.   Chevy trucks are still "like a rock".  If they keep that damn slogan anymore, they're going to be "like rounded out and stupid."   Point - retire it while it's still cool, that slogan is way too old.

Castration.  This is the word you will think of when you hear me say this.  As a man, how can I say this.  Those damn Coors Light commercials with "those twins" are downright horrible.  Come to think of it, all Coors Light commercials are horrible.  What happened to Dan Patrick sitting in the mountains drinking a beer?  Now we have dudes with their shirts off screaming "YIPPY KAY EYE EYE".  For some reason that isn't attractive as a marketing scheme to me.   So are Smirnoff Ice, and Stoli whatever, Skyy Blue, Bacardi Silver - they're all the same!  If you people are really convinced by a bunch of scantly clad women and techno music that you're cool if you drink it - let me tell you something - peopel that dress like that and go to clubs like that and spend that kind of money were dropped on their heads as babies.   Frankly, I don't be preferred to be thought of as some yuppy preppy dancing guy who thinks he looks good in a tight shirt drinking a bacardi silver.  Girls - I understand why you drink this stuff, it's because - well, you're girls.  Guys - you drink this stuff (the stupid yuppy drinks) and your sole future nickname is as follows:  Fag.

No matter if it's being watched with my girlfriend, mom, best friend, anyone - tampon, dusch, and monistat commercials make everyone feel uncomfortable.  Can we just please show these during soap operas?

I have more to write but I'm sick of writing.  If you have any commercials you hate, email them to me and I'll post them below.  Perhaps I'll add some more when I fell like writing again.   Peace.

Comments from others on commercials:

Ok, your right on commercials, what really disturbs me about all of the
shit they put out, not just in commercials, but also shows, movies etc., is
this fucking off angle camera shit they are doing.  The shots where all of
a sudden the action speeds up really fast and then slows down, the quick
cuts, the off center camera angles they use.  Most morons would tell you
this is art.  I am a major in tv broadcasting and can tell you this is a
crock of shit.  What they are actually doing is trying to trick you into
thinking what you are watching is actually "interesting".  Thanks MTV for
making all moving pictures a fucking video with crappy editing.
--Buck

Anything with Dr. Ruth and fake orgasms that have to do with hair products
are a complete slap in the face.  Do advertising execs and their clients
think consumers are morons? Obviously, if they thought those commercials
would make me buy their shitty shampoo and conditioner.
Barliss2@aol.com <Barliss2@aol.com>

i don't hate Aflac commercials because of that stupid
duck. i hate them cause those dumb bastards can't seem
to pick up on the fact that there's a talking duck
standing next to them screaming, "AFLAC!"
Peter Stoia       <peterstoia@yahoo.com>

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