"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty." --Mitch Hedberg

Cocky Athletes can suck a ......  hmm, can't think of a good thing to suck...oh yeah - COCK!
by Bryan Mack
12-8-02

    There's nothing quite like professional sports.  Sports bring all sorts of people together.  Families gather around the TV on Thanksgiving and Christmas to watch football and basketball games.  The country as a whole celebrates at baseball games on Independence Day, and they honor our country with the national anthem before each match.  Amazing moves are made, hard hits are taken, and many celebrations take place.  We cheer on our team while drinking beer, eating pretzels, and wearing the wardrobe of our favorite teams.  We know everything about our favorite players and cheer and brag whenever our player does something better than their opponent.  Yes, professional sports are a fantastic thing which many enjoy, but there are a few athletes out there who ruin it.  Their bad attitudes, cocky and flamboyant actions, and disrespect for fellow players is everywhere to be seen.  Personally, I'd like to take each of these athletes and shove them into a trash compactor.  They are a disgrace not only to themselves and their families, but they are a disgrace to the sport and to the fans.  

    We'll start with the worst of them all, Terrell Owens.  Now I have this guy on my fantasy football team and I've hated every time I have to cheer for him.  I will never draft this guy again even if he promises me 30 TD's over the year.  He is an idiot.  Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate the Dallas Cowboys, but when Terrell and his 49'ers traveled to Dallas last year, his stupidity marked what I thought could be an all time high.  After scoring a touchdown against the 'boys, Mr. Owens ran the ball back to the fifty yard line and spiked the ball directly on the Star logo of the Cowboys.  This was totally uncalled for and disrespectful.  For even me, a long time anti-Dallas fan, to be able to see this is amazing.  What a cocky son of a bitch.  So I thought it couldn't get any worse until this year against my team, the Seattle Seahawks.  Terrell, to his credit, scored the game-winning touchdown in the fourth quarter against d-back Shawn Springs.  After the touchdown he pulls a marker out of his sock, autographs the football, and hands it to somebody in the stands.  This is just saying, "look at me, i'm so good.  anyone would dream to have this football and my autograph."   This has absolutely no place on the football field or in the game in general.  When he's not disgracing team logos or mocking opponents, Terrell is busy on the sidelines screaming at the coaches and his QB because they don't pass the ball to him on every play.  He is so cocky he thinks he is the sole player on the team and wants all the glory.  Terrell Owens doesn't play football for the San Francisco 49ers.  Terrell Owens plays football for Terrell Owens.  Selfish.  Cocky.  Arrogant.   This man stands for everything professional football is against.

    While we're on the topic of idiotic receivers, let's discuss Minnesota's own Randy Moss.  At 6'5" this man towers above the defensive backs and is quick as lightning.  He seems to have Velcro on his hands which allow the ball to stick to them.  This man's touchdown celebrations also get out of hand and, like Owens, he is seemingly always upset because he's not in the limelight enough.  Randy always wants the ball and has a horrible attitude.  Apparently Randy didn't get the memo that says you aren't immune to the law when you sign an NFL contract.  Now he is free to smoke pot and all that shit all he wants, I could care less.  What trips my trigger is the fact that because he is a Viking he thinks he doesn't deserve a parking ticket.  Not only does he not accept the parking ticket, he tries to run down the ticket cop chick?  From what I heard there are terms for this - attempted murder.  This man is an idiot and a criminal and needs to be banned from the sport.  I hate the Vikings and will never respect them for making this man a millionaire.

    Speaking of idiots - Bill Romanowski.  Denver Bronco fans just piss me off in general.  Last year when Romo played for them I always bitched about how big of a douschbag he is, and they would all say he's a classy guy and not a dirty player.  I would practically get my life threatened by Bronco fans if I said Romo had a bad attitude or was dirty at all.  But now however, that Bill plays for the Raiders, all the Bronco fans seem to think he is the filthiest player to ever play the game.  He is cocky to them, he is dirty to them, and they hate him.  What hypocrites, pathetic.  But why do they think this?  First of all Bill is a racist.  Second of all Bill takes substances marked illegal by the NFL.  Third, the man is a fucking jerk.  I don't even need to explain why, if you watch any game he is in, you will hate him.  Bill Romanowski needs to burn in hell, and I really mean that.

    Well, there are several other players in the NFL I hate - Warren Sapp, Dante Culpepper, Michael Strahan, Boomer Esiason - these guys all suck ass.  Sure, good players - but attitudes should surpass what you can do on the field in extreme cases of jackassism that these players all have strong symptoms of.   I'm not going to go into detail about them all because it's time to move on to a different sport......

    The NBA.  "We're Having A Ball".  Hardly.  I live in Denver, Colorado.  Given the fact that the Nuggets just flat out suck, but the Denver fans have their heads on straight for one reason.  They could care more about next week's episode of Everybody Loves Raymond than the Nuggests.   The NBA is flat out stupid.  I hate it and cannot even stand to watch a game.  The athletes don't even try until the 4th quarter simply becuase they don't have to.  The players are fucking wimps and cocky fucking thugs. 

    Allen Iverson is a reject by nature.  What the hell is that stupid thing he wears up his arm?  Maybe I'm missing something, perhaps he has swastica tattoos all up his arm and the league said "you can't have those, put this gay sleeve thing up your arm so people don't see it."  Allen Iverson is a fantastic basketball player, but I have a question for you.  This man is a criminal.  No arguments, the man is a criminal.  Why on earth is a criminal such as this worshiped by society and making $15 million (complete guess) a year?  What good can this man possibly do with this money?  Honestly - give this $15 million to a doctor or motivational speaker.  Who the hell cares that a criminal can throw a ball with deadly accuracy through a ring with a net hanging below it enough to pay $60 to watch him do this in an arena?

    Shaquille O'Neal is a moron. To his credit, he is mighty tall.  But man, he's a fucking idot. So is his sidekick Kobe.  They can both take a flying leap into a toxic dump.  Or (becuase it's Christmas time and I just watched National Lampoon) - they can get in a garbage truck and drive into a nitroglycerine plant.  (if you don't get that joke or don't remember if from the movie, fuck off)

    Surprised to hear this one....Michael Jordan is a fucking moron.  I used to love this guy.  What an incredible feat - to get out of the game on top.  Retire while you're still the best.   COCKY MOTHERFUCKER!  Thinks he's good enough to play baseball, so strictly because of his money, he is allowed to play minor league ball for the white sox.  Can you honestly tell me the minor league white sox would have accepted a man in his mid 30's with no prior (besides high school) baseball experience with expectations of him becoming a star in the major leagues?  HELL NO! The only reason this happened was because of his prosperity and money he would bring to the minor leagues.  It is pathetic.  Michael took away the chance for a man to live his dream by taking his spot on this team so the team could make money.  By the same rational Mr. Jordon got on this team - I think perhaps Bill Gates should get his attempt to play in the NHL.  Or maybe Arnold Schwartzenegger always wanted to be a world class Jockey.  Are they deservant of this chance?   Well, after millions were made on this marketing scheme, Michael decided to return to basketball.   First of all - he lied to us by saying he would never return and he did return.  He played a few seasons and retired with promise to never return again.  Sure enough, a few years later, he returns.  He is old, he sucks, I have no urge to watch him play.  But he is now scheduled to retire from the NBA a third time to "never come back again".  What a fucking idiot - he thinks we are all here to strictly beg him to keep playing because his whopping 16 PPG average is so amazing to watch.  The man was a legend now he's just an idiot who bribes females to not tell the public about the affairs he has with them.  The man was a legend, now he is a disgrace.

    Major League Baseball.   The land where the greedy live and the physically weak do steroids so they can become strong and hopefully be as greedy as the next man in a few years.  Alex Rodriguez negotiated his own Starbucks in his home into his contract just because he saw Tommy Lee had on in his house on that gay ass MTV show.  What a fucker.

    Barry Bonds is an asshole.  How cocky is the man who hits a baseball out of the stadium then just drops his bat, stands there and watches it, then once it's out of the park he starts jogging.  What a jerk.  Nobody used to do that.  Did his father do that?  Did Roberto Clemente do that? Did Hank Aaron do that?  Did Don Mattingly do that?  Did George Brett do that?  No - because they had class.  But Barry just stands there as if to say "yup, i hit it out of the park, i'll just take my sweet ass time and watch it so i look like a dickhead."  He wears this dangling cross earring that only has a place in San Francisco (I wonder where his San Francisco Slippers (knee pads) are?  Gaywad.)  Do you really think Barry needs this cross?  The sign of believing in Jesus - the sign of treating others as you were to be treated.  Do you think Jesus would like you rubbing it in your face you hit a homer?  Do you think he endorses the fact that you gained about 70lbs of muscle since you turned 35?  Yeah, that's normal and "natural" - gaining that much muscle at that age.  Jackass.  You are rude to the media.  You never smile.  You wear all the body armor so not to hurt your precious steroid-made arms.  You walk as slow as you can to first base after you get walked.  If you get walked you stare down the pitcher as to say "You're scared of me because I'm so damn good".   What a cocky motherfucker.  Honestly - what a jerk.

    Gary Gaetti is a downright stupid arrogant cocky son of a bitch.  Oh wait, I guess I just typed that to get a reaction from Dykstra.  He's actually pretty cool.

    Are there any athletes you hate?  Tell me why and perhaps they shall be added (bryan@fleetmack.com). 

OTHER SUBMISSIONS VIA EMAIL

    As big of an Iowa fan i am, Rickey Davis can burn in hell. That stupid
son of a bitch said and I quote "I would rather sit on the bench in the NBA
then start for a college team for the next 3 years". All of a sudden he
thinks he is good so he decides to get cockey after his big contract. What
did that get him? Time on the bench for discipline problems. What a fucking
idiot.
Tim Schau

Okay,  I am a big Cyclone fan, but Marcus Fizer, another example of a great
college career, and a lackluster NBA one.  FYI, he got arrested a couple of
months ago too.
Jeremy Shockey (or almost anyone out of Miami)
Michigan's Fab Five... way to ruin a schools  tradition!
Eric Crouch, poor baby, can't play quarterback.
Deion Sanders
shall I continue?
Jamie Harrison

Sammy Sosa should eat a bowl of gun powder and hit himself in the stomach with a hammer.  He is a kiss blowing numb skull.  Actually I don't mind him, but I want to bust Scotty's chops.  Sosa is such a cocky prick.
Kris Riesenberg

Mike Tyson! I don't even have to give a reason why.. This man deserves to be
locked away for life, at the very least kicked right in the nuts about 38
times!
Adam Pieper

Terry Bradshaw...nothing against him as an athlete, I just hate those damn
10-10-220 commercials.
Vince Carter has become a bigger 3-point gunning pussy every year.
Scott Knauss

I too am an avid Cowboy's hater.  America's team my ass.  Micheal Irving,
need I say more?  This cocky asswad is an arrogant showboat.  Thank god I
don't have to watch him anymore, otherwise I would have started wishing that
he would just start catching footballs right up his ass.  Of course, I think
the worst punishment for him would be to OBEY the fucking laws of the land,
fucking cockbag.  He's gayer than Liberachi tap dancing on top of a VW
Beetle.
Tyler Ordway

Okay, no one has said much about the NHL, so here goes.   First, take a look at  the hold-out Russian bitches of the NHL...  Sergei Fedorov: Held out two-thirds of a season; Nikolai Khabibulin: Held out a full season; Alexei Yashin (former captain of Ottawa):  Held out a full season, left his team out to dry in the playoffs, returned halfway through the next season with a new contract and his disloyalty is rewarded by being donned the title of 'captain' again...yeah real leader.  Lastly, take a look at that fuck Eric Lindros.  Yeah, people will say "His GM was screwing him over by not working with him on a contract."  Morons.  Look at this a little deeper:  Lindros signed a contract to play and when he wanted to renegotiate and it didn't fly with the Philly GM, he quit playing for a full season.  I might be a little sympathetic to his bitching and complaining had I not know that he did the same thing when he was drafted by Quebec; he refused to play for them and demanded a trade to Philly.  Fuck him and the rest of all the 'hold-out babies' in sports.  90% of them are nothing but a bunch of money-grubbing leeches who's over-inflated salaries will bankrupt their respective leagues.  Fuck them all (especially the NBAers).
Joe Reed

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