"The anti-drug commercials have drug users in them telling us to not do drugs. That's like using a diabetic to advertise a Snickers bar." --Chris Rock

Random Thoughts VIII
by Bryan Mack
09-16-2005

I cooked food in the microwave at work the other day then brought it to my desk to eat it.  A lady stopped by and said "Is that your food that smells good?"  Apparently not, because I think this food smells delicious, and you seem to think your ridiculous amount of perfume smells great.  If this food smells good to you, I don't want it any more.

I was fishing in the mountains earlier this summer when I looked at this car parked by ours, the bumper sticker said "I'd rather be fishing".  That's the kind of guy who never appereciates what he has. "Damn, I sure wish I was typing random thoughts right now."

I fucking swear on my grave, if one more person walks by my office and tells me I look tired and asks why, I'm going to rip their spinal coard straight out of their vertebrate.  Business and pleasure should be separated like church & state.  Keep out of my business.   If I offer you information, take it.  Otherwise it's pretty obvious I don't want to tell you what I did this weekend, don't ask - don't comment - don't talk.

I was legitimately absent from work due to illness last month.   When I got back someone said something to me.  I wasn't offended, but when they said it, it made me think back to a time when I called in sick but wasn't really sick.  When I got back, a lady said, "You can tell you're still feeling pretty sick."   That's got to be one of the ultimate insults beings how I was faking sick.

I hate when people comment on my "new haircut".  They tell me my hair looks great, you can tell I got it cut, it looks much better than it did.  These people have no attention spans.  I cut it every 3 weeks, do you mean to tell me that I only look good for about 2 days, then I look like shit for 2 1/2 weeks, then I look good again for 2 days after I get it cut the exact same way again?

I always have this list of "things to do" on my desk at work.  If a few days go by and nothing gets crossed off the list, I write a few extra things on the bottom of the list that I've already done just so I can immediately cross them off and look like I'm accomplishing something on my list.  I don't think this is something a normal human would do.

Your personal email address is like giving yourself a nickname you've always wanted to have.  You can't tell people what to call you when you're one-on-one, you can't pick a phone number, but you can say "In order to email me you have to type 'ihaveahugedick@whatever.com'."  That's just cool.

On that note, I want to discuss something serious.  I don't want to be in your fucking "mobile friends network".  I don't want to be in your "online address book".  I don't want to be in your online "birthday list".   Are you people this fucking stupid that you think this isn't a ploy to get email addresses to spam people with.  I got NO spam -- EVER -- at my current email address until about 20 of you fucking morons gave out my address for these things.   Amazingly, the day after my first "Joe Schmo wants you to join his mobile network!" email ... I got my first spam!  Wow! That's strange! Thanks, dipshits, for ruining my 3 month (and successful) project of getting no spam ....... just so you can give my address out to spammers.  I even go OUT OF MY WAY to code my guestbook to hide your email address if you enter it -- and you just give mine out because a spammer asks for it.  How mutherfucking stupid and disrespectful can you be?  Nothing in the last year has pissed me off more than this besides the Todd Bertuzzi/Brad May thing.

If Mitch Hedberg had written that last paragraph, he would have said, "I'd like to name that paragraph, Attitude".  Only people who have listened to Mitch's albums will know why I wrote that and why it's funny.  I miss Mitch even though I never met him.

I subscribe to Men's Health and Men's Fitness.  Every month they tell you 2 things,  1) Eat lowfat yogurt  2) Avoid, at all costs, high-fructose corn syrup.   Simple, right?  Wrong, go to the store, look at every single brand, flavor, and style of lowfat yogurt.  When you find one that doesn't contain high-fructose corn syrup, give me a call.  Until then, a quick note to the magazines: It's impossible to do both of those things at once.  It's like trying to eat a steak, yet you're a vegetarian.

Remember when Randy Johnson hit a bird with a pitch?  That was one of the most amazing things ever.

If I send you a gift for your wedding (I rarely do), please send it back to me when you get divorced.  I'm serious.  It's the least you can do for me since I will never get married and you're already one-up on me in the gift department.  I let you use something for a couple years, now you're divorced ... give it back.  From now on, every time I get a new girlfriend I expect a gift from all of you.

Slipknot is similar to weed.  Marijuana is a gateway drug, it opens the door for you to try harder and more dangerous drugs like coke or meth.  If this is the case, Slipknot (the greatest band of all time) is a gateway band.  Everyone tells you it's horrible while it's not that dangerous and, when you see what else is out there, more parents would pray their children listened to Slipknot instead of bands such as Lamb of God and Trivium.  So come on, try some Slipknot ... everyone's doing it.

A 5 blade Gillette razor has been introduced to the world.  I'm still on the Sensor Excel with a measley 2 blades.  Let me tell you - the Sensor Excel does a fantastic job.  What can the extra 3 blades possibly do to increase the amount of hair that gets cut off my face?  They can't find any other way to improve a razor than by adding more blades?  My car is perfect right now, you don't see me throwing 4 more wheels on it.  There's a time when you must realize that trying to improve something is just making it more expensive and wastes more material.

I was listening to a Tool album the other day, and in A Message To Harry Manback, he says "I hope someone in your family dies soon."   I got to thinking about it, if someone said that to me, I think that's only the second thing I've ever heard in my life that would cause me to immediately punch someone between the eyes, and when they fall, kick them in the stomach until they gasp for air.  Then, as they have a glimmer of hope to breathe, I would duct-tape their mouth shut and hold their noses shut for 3 second intervals, and when their nose isn't plugged, I will hold horseradish up to it.   So please, never say that to me, because I don't want to go have to buy horseradish (I don't always have some in my pantry).

New computers are annoying as shit.  If you forget to plug in the keyboard, and you get to the log-on screen, you need to obviously restart the computer (as if you plug the keyboard in at this point, the computer won't recognize it) because you can't type CTL+ALT+DEL to log on (assuming WinXP Pro).  So I hit the power button, it goes on standby ... it doesn't restart.   The only way to restart the computer is to unplug it.  This isn't at all funny, it just pisses me off and I felt compelled to write about it.  Fuck you HP.

I really don't think it's possible for me to even remotely enjoy pizza if jalapeno peppers are not involved.  In fact, the only thing I don't enjoy putting a jalapeno on is a jalapeno.  Then again, I've never tried that before.  I can't wait until lunch.

You get pop-ups because a) you don't use firefox,  b) you have dumb ass toolbars installed, c) you download cool and funny icons to put in emails.  No, I won't fix it for you.  And how come my computer never breaks, yet the people with no IQ have a computer that breaks down weekly and I have to spend my time fixing their stupid mistakes.   How come I tell them exactly what they did to cause it, and they do it again, and they just don't get it?  I hate doing computer support.

I saw the name "LaBrandon" the other day.  What a stupid name, that's more ridiculous than "DeAndre", "LaTroy" and "JaMarcus".   Apparently if you're black and you have a child, it's imperative you name the child and put either "La" or "De" or "Ja" in front of the name.  People would see my girl and I coming and they'd say, "Here comes LaBryan and JaJessica!"

They say Seinfeld is about "nothing".  I call shennanigans.   Never has someone said to me "What was that episode about?"  And I've said "Oh, not really anything."   I can always answer the question.  It's about George and Jerry pitching a pilot episode to NBC.  It's about George's new job.   Kramer got an intern in this episode for a non-existant company.  It's about Jerry going to be on Jay Leno.  I don't understand why they say it's about nothing.

Does another person (Princess Diana) need to die before we start worrying that cameramen are putting famous peoples' lives at stake by following them to take pictures of them?  If so, can it be Robin Williams or Julia Roberts?  I don't like them anyways, and a picture of them dead would be a wonderful wallpaper.

I can't think of anything else right now.  Go do something productive.

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