Fleetmack.com - Random Thoughts VI

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"It! Is! Just! A! Couch! This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." --Lester on American Beauty

Random Thoughts Pt. VI
by Bryan Mack
04-19-2005

Am I the only one who wants a reality show to decide who the new Pope is? Finally, a reality show that is "real" and that I would watch. Commercial ads would cost more than the Super Bowl, we're talking off the charts on the Nielsen rating system. But if they did this, you'd have to admit, regardless of your stance on Roe vs. wade, that it'd be pretty funny to have an abortion clinic buy all the commercial slots.

In other "reality show" news, who the hell actually idolizes the winner of American Idol? There's not enough money on Earth to make me watch that show. And I don't care what you say - I'm not even watching the first episodes that are "funny". You have no taste buds in your brain.

Enzyte claims that it offers "all natural" male enhancement. If it's "all natural" -- then why do I have to consume a pill?

Speaking of pills, I take vitamins daily. On my Vitamin C pill container, it says each pill contains 3000% of my daily consumption of Vitamin C. Why do I need 30 times as much Vitamin C as recommended? And on top of that -- why do they tell me to take 3 pills a day?! Do I really need 9000% of my suggested Vitamin C?! It's as if I was buying a car, I said the most I can spend is $10,000. That's all I need, a simple $10,000 car .... yet they suggest for me to purchase the $300,000 Rolls Royce .... in fact, I'd better get three of those fuckers. You can never have too much. Hell, give me anti-lock breaks on those beasts.

Speaking of anti-lock brakes (not really) ... they sell Audi's stripped down, then you add options. Who is going to spend $40,000 on an Audi and not get power locks? Just make 'em standard. "Yeah, we'll take the A6, but we can't quite afford the CD player, let's just stick with the FM radio, honey."

I haven't used anything I learned in college in real life, except that you shouldn't be afraid of anything or anyone in any situation, the fact that chugging a gallon of milk in under an hour is impossible, and you can't eat 5 saltine crackers in a minute or less. Everything else I learned is unimportant.

Remember when you were little and to remember stuff you had to write it on your hand, that was cool. I had my entire daily agenda written on my left hand. It would suck if I ran out of room on my left hand as I'm right handed. I'd try to write on my right hand by writing with my left. Mom would yell at me, "Why didn't you bring home those papers like I asked you to?" Well shit, Mom, my hand just said gnewr schnurf djwio grushfen ffeerREO7 snup@". Shit. I wish I was ambidexterous. But my left hand....legible: "Lunch Money"....."Chemistry Test"......"Football Potluck". It'd be pretty cool, the next day I'd be walking around and someone would ask me what I did the previous night, I'd whip out my trusty organizer - aka - hand. "Well, I worked from 4-7, ran to the post office, and apparently .... didn't shower."

If a mushroom were a mammal, I wonder if its dick would have a head shaped like a human. If it was still the shape of a mushroom, would a female mushroom giving a male mushroom head be the same as kissing?

Saying you're an adult when you turn 18 is bullshit. Trying people in court under the age of 18 as an adult is wrong. If they want to do this, why don't they just change the definition of "adult"? (If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flare, just make the minimum 37 pieces of flare!) Why can't they try adults as kids? I know plenty of people who are 25 who have the mental capacity of a 10 year old. If they commit a crime why don't they get off? The door should swing both ways. And furthermore, why can you vote at age 18 but you can't buy a scratch lottery ticket? You're old enough to pick the leader of the country, but God forbid you spend $1 on the lottery. You're a legal adult, but you can't buy a beer. Stupid. Just plain stupid. The drinking age should be written like this "18 or Graduate from high school, whichever happens last." This will keep alcohol out of the high schools and make kids want to graduate. Is someone writing this stuff down?

Remember the old commercials for Calgon that said "Calgon take me away!"? Well if I were a kidnapper, I'd change my name to "Calgon" and hang out in the bath section of a store, by the Calgon, and wait for someone to repeat the slogan. Then when you kidnapped them, it'd be legal as you just did what they asked for.

Why do we call the noise making devices we have hooked up to our stereos "speakers"....they don't say shit. How about "sound producers". If these "speakers" are actually speaking to me, then I suppose a drill is also a speaker, it makes noise too.

I'm going to open a furniture store. I will call it "Sofa King Awesome Furniture". We'll sell fucking awesome furniture....and have a Burger King inside, because people crave burgers when shopping for a sofa.

Whenever I unexpectedly crash at a friends pad and have no blankets, my IQ drops 30 points. I take my shirt off every time and use it as a blanket. As if that could cover more skin than if I actually wore it. Or I take my socks off, then my feet get cold, so I take my shirt off to keep my feet warm. Now why not just leave the shirt and socks on and stay warmer? This is a question for the ages.

String cheese is really thick, I think they should call it "Rope Cheese". And if they do stick to the name "string cheese", am I just eating little pieces of thread when I peel it?

Ever pay attention to ads for medicine on TV? Side effets include but aren't limited to: vomiting, nausea, headaches, upset stomach, diarrhea, inflammation of the cerebrel cortex, runny nose, dry eye sockets, and drowsiness. Holy shit, when do the side-effets begin to outweigh the fact that I have a sore tooth?

Jeopardy rules, the way they phrase stuff is bizarre though. I propose that from now on whenever someone asks you a question, you have to state your answer the way a Jeopardy clue-answer would state it. "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?".... "This pink fish spawns in fresh water while living in salt water." Fun huh?

I wonder if Beldar Conehead ever hit an orange construction cone when he was driving. If so, I bet it upset him greatly.

Gov's Park is one of the most popular happy hour hot-spots in the greater Denver area. People always ask me to go there, if only for one drink, every Friday. The thing is, one drink needs to be translated in Gov's Park lingo. One drink during happy hour (2fers) results in me getting 2 24oz beers....aka .... 4 drinks. You will always be talked into two rounds, "Come on, it's only two rounds! Only $8 for the whole afternoon!" Suddenly I've bought 2 rounds. It's 6:30 and I'm somehow technically on my 8th drink. Around the time my 4th 24oz beer is finished, I get a call from the people who skipped happy hour and are going out for the night. I'm too drunk to drive so I tag along. The next thing I know, I'm broke, it's 8:30a.m., I'm waking up on someone's floor, I have no ride to my car, I'm hungover, my Saturday is ruined, and I'm cold and wondering why my shirt is wrapped around my feet and why my socks are off. No - I won't go have one happy hour drink with you next Friday.

There was a guy on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" a while back, obviously gay, and from Seattle. When Regis asked him what he did for a living, he replied "I'm a D.M.O." Regis, looking confused, asked for clairification of this profession, to which gay guy replied, "It stands for 'Dish Machine Operator.'" It was the hardest I've laughed since I saw this.

If you want to be a vegetarian, fine. The second you try telling me what is right or wrong, or try telling me to boycott KFC for their habits, you are out of line. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell companies how to slaughter animals that we're going to eat. Isn't this a free country? Express your opinion but don't take it out on the company who is just doing something LEGAL!!! Russell Simmons. Pamela Anderson. Paul McCartney. PETA. You all need to keep your mouths shut and respect the fact that I don't like animals, don't care how they're treated, and want to eat them every chance I get. It says in the book of Genesis: "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth." See?! WE HAVE POWER OVER THE ANIMALS!! Eat away! You don't see me bitching about how you treat a potato plant...you cut off a living limb of the potato plant. We don't just cut off one wing of a chicken and eat it. We at least have the decency to terminate the entire chicken. But you make the plant suffer by only killing part of it at a time, slowly. BOYCOTT ORE IDA!!!

Something I heard on TV recently.... "Tune in next Thursday for an all new O.C., when we'll be airing, for the first time ever, the theatrical trailer of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith". Great, just what we need. Previews for a preview. My potential suicide awaits when I hear: "Next week, on The O.C., we'll be airing, for the first time ever, a commercial for the new season of American Idol."