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"I guess I'll save the best for last. My future seems like on big past. You'll live with me 'cause you left me no choice. I push my fingers into my eyes, It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache." --Corey Taylor

Sony Hates Black People
by Bryan Mack
11-20-2005
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Sony used to be the brand I swore by. I did a partial boycott of Sony years ago, meaning, I decided I would no longer be purchasing any Sony products as they were all junk. I've owned 2 cassette walkmans, two disman walkmans, a component receiver, a component 5 disc changer, a component cassette deck, and a car cd player. Not to mention the blank CDs and CDs of artists on Sony's label. These last 2 (the CDs) are what I continued to purchase after I realized their products were garbage, but I'm going to be fully boycotting this entire company as a whole now.

To begin, you may ask why I claim their products are junk. Let's break down the above purchases:

Cassette Walkman #1: ate every tape I put in it, I probably had it for 6 or 7 years though.
Cassette Walkman #2: Worked fine for 2 years, would only play sound out of 1 ear after that (on every set of headphones)

I then purchased a JVC when I was 19, it's worked perfectly for 8 years.

Home stereo receiver: Worked for 2 years. Pro Logic speaker amp blew, no longer powered the center channel or rear channel speakers. Remote broke.

I then purchased a Denon AVR 2000 when I was 17, it's worked perfectly for 10 years.

Component 5 Disc CD Changer: Worked fine for about 3 or 4 years, now it won't open or play CD's.
I then purchased a JVC 7 disc dvd/cd changer (4+ years ago) and it still works as though it's brand new.

Component Cassette Deck: still works perfectly, although I haven't had it hooked up for 2 years and it's sitting in my closet.

Discmans 1 and 2: 1) Stolen, 2) stopped working. I only had it about 1 year or less, but I seriously actually got my money's worth from it. HOWEVER, it would not play burned CD's without skipping, and my MP Trip player I had after that worked perfectly.

Car CD Player: made a "click" noise about every 30 seconds. Fast-Forward button broke physically. I then bought a Clarion and fucking LOVED it, but it got stolen. I would have then bought another Clarion, but I couldn't find anywhere that sold them, so I got a Pioneer. It's ok I guess, I'll probably go back to Clarion next time though.

So as you can see, of all the Sony products I have owned, the only ones I would ever purchase again is a cassette deck. You heard it hear first, the media form that nobody uses any more has been mastered by Sony. Feel free to purchase Sony Component Cassett Decks indefinitely. (Either that or the fact that I only used it about 10 times means that it hasn't been tested to full capacity yet.) Everything else has broken. Now you may say, "You used them forever, you just burnt them out!" Normally I'd say you have a point, but why then, has every product I bought after it lasted even longer and still works perfectly? You can't just base that on improving technology, you blame it on Sony and say their products are junk. You will never convince me otherwise that a Sony product of any sorts is worth my money, and I won't buy it.

Let's move on. It's pretty hard to fuck up making a quality blank CD. And with regards to recording artists who have signed with Sony, you have 2 choices: Buy it or don't buy it. I will now opt to not buy it. There was a long time that I thought, "Ok, Sony can't possibly do anything to fuck up a CD, can they?"

In comes the invasion, the most ridiculous thing Sony has ever done. Sony now installs software on their products which can actually allow more spyware and other software to take control of your Windows-based computers. This software's initial intention is to limit the amount of times you can copy a disc. It is called XCP DRM software, and it is malicious to your comptuer. So not only is Sony now telling you the amount of copies of your own cd you purchased that you're allowed to make, they're making it easy to hack your computer. That's right, by simply listening to a Sony CD, you now run the risk of breaking your computer.

(above graphic pirated from The Onion)

I guess Sony realized that it was limiting itself. They had a meeting and said "Ok, we've successfully made it so all our products break. We need to tap into the next market. We need our products to do even worse and damage people's products they use our products with. Let's break their computer if they put one of our CDs in it!" And so it was done, the era began in which Sony would start creating products that would damage other things you own. Having a marketing mindset of my own, I've decided to come up with a few products that Sony should try to market for this Holiday season.

Sex-Line Cell Phone: This new state-of-the art cell phone randomly places calls to 1-900-Sex-Line on your bill and mails copies to your girlfriend, parents, and grandmother. If you buy the additional "Work Plug-In", it'll carbon-copy these phone calls onto the bill your office receives for your work line. This will cost you your girlfriend, pride, job, and countless dollars as those phone calls cost roughly $5/minute. It may do harm to your life, but hey - it's Sony! They're reputable, right?

Sony Boats: For use on Lake Minnetonka, only. Spokesperson will be Daunte Culpepper. "Just when you thought Sony satisfied all your needs, think again. Sony Cruise Lines will now be giving discreet tours on some of Minnesota's finest lakes." Retractable stripper pole: optional.

The Car-Bomb CD Player: This new MP3 and iPod-plug-in-able CD deck for your car is fully equipped with C4, which can be activated by the convenient wireless remote. Go undetected through customs with this new model from Sony. Bluetooth technology avaialbe separately so you can connect this via your sex-line cell phone for remote detonation of your car bomb CD deck. Bulit in amplifier of 55x4 (watts).

OK, so I went off on a ridiculous tangent there, I apologize. The point is - if it's electronic, and it's made by Sony - don't buy it. I'm not calling for a boycott here, I'm just telling you now so I don't have to say "I told you so" when the ozone layer gets destroyed simply because Sony wanted to tap into a new market of MP3 player-needing customers.

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