Fleetmack.com - Random Thoughts III

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"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock up your ass!" --Justin Powell

Random Thoughts Part III
by Bryan Mack
11-25-2003

Ok, I really don't understand the policies of nudity on television vs. child porn. Now trust me, I'm no advocate of child porn by any means. As Bushwick Bill says "You'ze a child molester, that ain't cool muthafucker!" So explain this to me. It's illegal for a person to go look up naked pictures of anyone under the age of 18 on the internet. It is legal to look up pictures of naked people if they are over 18. However, TV has this backwards. On commercials for diapers and the like, we are forced to look at the asses of naked babies and toddlers - they're running around and this is acceptible. We never get to see a grown woman's ass on TV. Isn't this backwards?!? We see baby girls with no shirt and diapers, what pervert wants to see that? Show me a topless GROWN woman wearing only panties! Who came up with that bullshit? And what pervert makes those commercials anyways. "I have a wonderful idea! Let's put a helpless baby's naked ass on TV for millions to see. Naked children will sell our product!" And the censors allow this. I guess Michael Jackson is the head of the censorship bureau.

Here's a small tip for you. Keep something slightly wrong (illegal) with your car at all times. It doesn't matter what, just make sure it's something that won't cause any harm to other drivers (ie - headlight out, taillight out). Tint your windows illegally, leave your front license plate off, have insurance - but don't carry your insurance card with you. I can't tell you how many times this has saved me. Ok, yes I can, it has saved me 3 times. If there is something wrong with your car, you just got a free ticket to speed all you want! It's great! If a cop pulls you over for going 87 in a 65 you're in good shape (yes, that happened to me....along with getting pulled over for going 68 in a 65...that was rather weird). If you're nice to a police officer and don't lie to him, he's not going to want to give you tickets for every single thing you're doing wrong. So tell him you don't have your insurance card. You'll get a ticket for no insurance card and a warning for speeding. You then go to court and show your insurance card and they rip the ticket up. Your record will stay clean and you won't have a fine to pay. Ingenius huh? Well, I was explaining this to Justin and Brad like 3 years ago, and as I was telling them this (no lie), Jason Brincks calls up and says he got pulled over driving from our house (in Des Moines) to his house (in Kansas City) going 75 in a 65, no insurance card, and no seatbelt. He was given a ticket for no front license plate and warned on the other violations. This plan is foolproof, unless the cop just read this article and sees through your plan.

I've thought this several times while driving through Nebraska and may have written of this somewhere already. Why do people immediately brake when they see a "Road Work: Fines Doubled". The speed limit doesn't go down. Does this mean to say that you're perfectly happy paying a $45 fine and your insurance going up for the next 4 years, but paying $90 and your insurance going up is too much to ask for? There is basically no difference between the fines and, unless marked otherwise, the speed limit is the SAME in construction zones. But my major question is, there are so many construction zones in this damn world, why don't they just double the fines everywhere and in non-construction zones they can have a sign that says "No Construction - Half Price Fines!" That'd be much more fitting.

You've all heard me bitch about this before but I figured I'd put it in official writing, and not just in the news page. Phone calls should last 30 seconds tops. If I don't answer my phone when you call, it's because you have a tendency to talk too long on the phone. I get up at 5:30 in the morning on most days. I go to work. I go to the gym. Then I eat. by then it is about 8:00. I have been awake for 14 1/2 hours and I don't want to spend the 2 hours before I go to bed on the phone. I want to read and/or watch TV and/or get things done that I need to get done! I hate talking on the phone, I will call to make plans or talk to you if you are calling me to make plans. I don't want to be on the phone to "catch up" with you. We can do that by email and save me the hassle of talking on the damn phone. I will most likely not call you back. I won't call you at all unless I'm drunk. It's nothing personal, but until I can be guaranteed that all my phone calls will last 30 seconds or less and not lay a guilt trip on me for not calling and/or not going out that night - I won't again regularly answer my phone. Family members are excluded from these rules. And if your first name ends in "iffany" and your last name ends in "ork" - you are also excluded from these rules, but only if your first name also begins with the letter "T". So Sliffany Rork, stop calling me.

Why did God give people eyes if hardly anyone's work right? I thought He was perfect? Shouldn't He have the ability to make perfect eyes? ..... Please don't send me to hell for asking that, it's a simple question!

I will never raise my children in Denver, this city is messed up. It's the best place on earth for single people who love the outdoors and love to party, but kids - nope. Every kid in this city is a punk. There's skateparks every 10 feet. The kids are all smoking cigarettes by age 14. The kids lose their virginities around age 13. Most have tried smoking weed by 13. Kids shoot each others school's up and form the "trench coat mafia" becuase they got made fun of. You're not allowed to "cruise" (drive the drag). I mean, come on, you're practically encouraging the kids to go hang out in a park and do drugs if they can't even drive around! My kids are going to be raised in the midwest where they can learn to care for each other and respect themselves. When they're all growns up like Mikey on Swingers, they can move away to wherever they'd like, and I hope they choose Denver so I can come visit them.

I don't ever want to be "that guy". When do I have to ski instead of riding my snowboard? When do I have to stop going to the cool Denver bars? When do I have to stop rice-ing my car up? (even though all the rice-ing done to mine is white taillights, I hate those damn spoilers and ground effects and exhaust mods) When am I too old to go to the student section of Iowa State tailgates? When do I have to stop going to campus bars in Ames and Boulder? When is it bad for me to look at a 21 year old girl and say she's hot? I don't ever want to be that old guy who won't admit he's too old, so I propose an age for when this must happen so I can just draw the line one day and quit cold turkey. I think I'll set the age at...shit...I'm already "that guy" I think. Damn. Growing up sucks, I'm going to boycott it. Is it illegal to get a fake ID that says you're 23? I wanted to stay 23 forever, and I'm almost 25. Shit.

Some day I want to find every single person that ever bid $1 on The Price Is Right. After this I will go find all the people who said "What's the highest bid, Bob? Ok, I'll bid $X (one dollar higher)". I will put them on an airplane and have it crash somewhere in the Andes mountains on their way to a soccer game. Nobody will find them and they will all eat each other to survive. Oh wait, that was the movie Alive, but those The Price Is Right people deserve the same! Bastards!

Text messaging should be banned from this earth, it bugs the living shit out of me. I've gotten roughly 20-25 text messages in my life, the people have stopped sending them because they know (or realize) that I refuse to either check and/or reply to them. I lied - I do check them occasionally, but man I hate that shit. I have Sprint (I realize I'm dumb for that) for my service, if I get a text message, I have to turn my phone on, log on to the internet, use my minutes up, connect to the Sprint server, go into Short Mail, read the message, the text message is identified by the phone#, so I have to go through my entire phone book to match up whose number it is from. The whole process of me checking my text messages is about 5 minutes. The message is usually "what's up" or "hw r u doing?" or something stupid like that. I refuse to waste that much of my time to read one line. Instead of taking the time to hit the 2 button 3 times to type the letter "f", then subsequently do this for each other letter you plan to type for this text message, just get it over with, call me and leave me a voice mail. It takes half the time and takes me half the time to check it. Either way I'm not going to reply to it, so at least save you and I some time. I hope the guy who invented text messaging gets on The Price Is Right and bids $1 on contestant's row, that way I can kill 2 birds with one stone.

STOP ASKING ME WHEN I'M GETTING A NEW CAR!!! I bought a Honda Accord with 50K miles on it with intentions of it reaching 250K miles MINIMUM. I'm only at 150K right now, halfway there. It's not going to break down, I've replaced the brakes as maintenance, the timing belt and water pump as maintenance, and the radiator as it cracked when I hit a pheasant. Transaltion: The car has never done anything wrong and it's at 150K miles, why get a new one?! So to answer your question - if my current pace keeps up, I will have a new car in the middle of 2008, I will have just turned 29 years old. There, ya happy now?!

I've commented on this before in another "random thoughts" article, but I just need to post it again because it drives me nuts. Why do all guys over the age of 60 insist on walking around the men's locker room stark naked all the time? They shower, don't use their towel, walk to their locker to put the towel away, go to the scale, walk over and talk to a buddy, put on their socks, shoes, shirt, comb their hair...then minutes before they leave the locker room, they decide to put on their skivvies and pants. I really don't understand it. I guess it must be a requirement of joining the AARP or something.

And lastly, I encourage all of you to email me all you like, but please don't email me about any one of the following topics:
"Why haven't you updated today..."
"Will you update soon today...."
"Put this on your site for me please...." (that's why I put up the forums, do it yourself)
"You spelled a word wrong..."

You need to understand that it takes me about 5 minutes to update this site, I type as fast as I can and I don't re-read what I type in order to spell-check. I basically don't give 2 shits about this website and to be perfectly honest, I have no fricking clue why you all read it, I guess just for boredom. Don't get me wrong, I strongly appreciate the fact that you read my site and contact me with suggestions and all, I just don't have the time anymore, and when I do have the time, I update it -- but if it's not updated or is done poorly, that just means I'm short on time. So in return for me doing something for you (giving you this website to read), please do me a favor by not sending me an email about one of the above subjects. And if you spend more 2 minutes a day on this site, do me the courtesy of signing my guestbook as I enjoy seeing who reads the site. Don't use the guestbook to talk back and forth and don't post several times, again - that's what the forums are for. It's good to get something back from this piece-of-shit site once in awhile.