Fleetmack.com - Spam should stay in Austin, Minnesota

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"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock up your ass!" --Justin Powell

Spam should stay in Austin, Minnesota
by Bryan Mack
07-09-2003

First off, let me just say that Spam is made in Austin, Minnesota for those of you too dumb to know that. Ok, you're not dumb for knowing that, I just used to work there once in awhile so that's how I know that. That town makes Greeley (Colorado) and Cedar Rapids (Iowa) smell like a perfume factory. Either way, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about unsolicited email, better known as SPAM. There's not a soul on Earth who enjoys the stuff and the people who send this have to be the most uneducated people alive.

I basically have a bachelor's degree in Marketing (3 credits short), so I understand the fundamentals of sound Marketing procedures. You must achieve a target audience. You must know your target market. In the case of SPAM, these parameters of marketing fundamentals are completely ignored. It's quite obvious that the only demographic information they have about us are our email addresses. The names are wrong most of the time (I get some SPAM addressed to Justin, who the funk is Justin?! He must be the impotent guy with debt problems) But let's figure this out, if spammers did have demographic information about me and had a profile of what I'm like, here's what that profile would look like:

Bryan Mack (****@hotmail.com) is an unconfident person. How could a man with such a small dick and premature ejaculation problems have confidence? He is definitely a qualifier for VIAGRA. On a similar note, Bryan isn't very healthy and has a strong need for prescription drugs at the lowest possible costs. He also prints a ton of pages and uses literally hundreds of inkjet cartridges a month. He buys the smallest digital cameras he can find (for spying purposes, of course). But not only is he a fan of buying these cameras, he'll pay most anything to watch young barely legal sluts bang horses live on a web cam. His debt is out of control and he needs help with it. Since he owns several homes, he's constantly refinancing his home, sometimes twice a day. His hair is falling out as we speak and could really use an extra 4 inches you know where.

Yup, that must be my SPAM profile. If any of you wonder why this is my profile, you must not have an email account. I get about 100 SPAM's a day all about the same damn thing. My SPAM filter cannot catch them anymore and I've got to admit it, these "marketing ploys" got me and the rest of the 'net by the balls.

I get hundreds of viagra ads a month. Of course, several 24 year old men in their sexual prime need viagra, right? Cripes, I can get it up on command, we need not bother Bryan with these emails do we? So I put a spam filter on my outlook express. Any email with the word "viagra" in the subject line gets deleted. Well, that worked for about 15 minutes. So now the spammers spell it wrong, put spaces in the word, add stupid characters, or use combinations of those aforementioned. (eg. VIAGARA, v iagra, v.i.a.g.r.a., v:i:a:g:r :a) There's countless ways they can alter "viagra" to make my filter not pick it up. So as you see, I'm screwed.

I can't imagine who in the fuck the idiots are that buy stuff from spam emails. I mean, come on. (Jimmy...south park reference) You're encouraging them. I just wish we could find a way to make them (spammers) pay for this trash like Maddox suggests we do with real junk mail. By the way - his idea rocks for that, I honestly do that every chance I get. And a little FYI - DON'T CLICK THE "click here to unsubscribe" BUTTON!! That just tells spammers that people are opening their emails, which is all they care about. Don't open them, delete them!! If anything, clicking that button just tells them that the email address they sent it to is still active, so they can use it and sell it as well. This causes you to get more spam.

So my dick must just be tiny. I'm talking chinpokoman tiny (another South Park reference). I just can't pick which tool (pun intended) to use. I can add 1 inch in 10 minutes for just $8000. On the other hand, I can add "4.5 inches to my throbbing member in just months". Women will forever be satisfied, but that'll take months. Why would I do either when I can add a mere 2 inches for just $39.95? Man these prices vary don't they? It's like getting gallon of milk at the grocery store for $3 that you can't drink for a month, but for a 1/2 gallon at the 7-11 you can drink immediately it'll cost you $425. What the hell is that all about? Honestly, I think I'm in pretty good shape "down there", but even if I wasn't, I'd find a way to please a woman without paying $8000 for a hoax.

As you can see, I don't need help getting out of debt, just read my short article on how I delivered (am delivering) myself from debt ON MY OWN with NO interest charges WITHOUT paying a debt consolidation fee. I don't need help getting out of debt. Suggestion - find out WHO is in debt and target them first. I realize you can't just go check credit balances, but there's other ways. Find people with BAD credit scores, target them. I have perfect credit - why are you targeting me? Oh yeah, because it's free to email 800,000 targets in one second and you don't care. Again - they've got us by the balls.

Ok, so I like one of the ideas. Buying prescription drugs online. But - here's a much better idea, and trust me, I have done this...in fact, I'm going to post this list, feel free to ad to it and do as I do on this. Every time you get a prescription drugs email, write down the link of what their website is. Add it to your list of sites. Your list will grow fast. When you actually DO need prescription drugs and go online to get them - go find them online, once you find a site, check if they are on your list. If they are on your list, buy the product elsewhere. It's sort of a boycott, in a way, of spammers. If you spam and I know about it, I will never buy from your site even if I get there on my own. If you are an old impotent geezer, you can do the same for viagra. Make a list of who spams, then don't use them when it's time to actually buy the product. It won't do much but gain you some self-satisfaction, but look at it this way, if you (yourself) aren't satisfied - then who cares? That made no sense, sorry.

Amazing, yet again I'm listening to Sludge Factory as I type this. And it's officially 87 degrees in my apartment at 9:46p.m. Man Colorado is hot these days. But the pansies (me included) have no reason to complain - go back to Iowa and add 100% humidity to that 100 degree noon temperature and then we'll see who's hot. The heat back home is so hot, you can fry spam right on the sidewalk. Ok, that was lame, but I had to incorporate spam into this paragraph in order for me to not hold backspace for about 12 seconds.

So subject line filters are out of hand (as I said 4 paragraphs ago). So now they put "ajkldnfkl;dhfiohj fkjfiopaej" as their subject line. Doubt they'll catch that with a filter since it's not a word. Or they'll use a picture for their ad. Since you cannot search for words in a picture, we're screwed. They'll use php code so your filter cannot search for words in HTML coded documents. (For those of you that don't know, you cannot see php code. Ex: If you go to http://www.fleetmack.com/guestbook/index.php and view the source code, you will see no php code, only the html. The <?php tags make it invisible to the code thief) So yes, filters will not pick up on php. Filters will basically be obsolete in the very near future (in my opinion).

So all in all, I hate spam. You hate spam. Even spammers hate spam because other spammers spam them. Friggin' hypocrites. Basically we have to take one for the team and deal with the stuff, there's no 100% fool proof way around it, except, of course, to go back to the stone age (1995 for me) of the days before we used email. Every time I get spam it just makes me want to go kill a dog.

And now, on a complete side note, this is what I'm going to do from now on. For each article I write up, I will make a forum for discussion about just that article. So here is a spam forum for you. Discuss what you think about this topic. Why do you hate spam. Any tips to avoid spam? Why is spam a good thing? (hey, I like to leave doors open)