Living single is the only way to go in life

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"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." --Mitch Hedberg

Living Single is the Only Way to Live
06-29-2003
by Bryan Mack

Warning - this is really stupid and is a waste of time to read. Please only read this if you really have nothing better to do. I mean, honestly, if you need to count the hairs on your arm - now is the time to do it. That'd be way more fun than reading this bullshit I just wrote below.

Living single is the only way to go in life. Sure, I was pretty close to getting married just a short 6 months ago or so, but now I've realized that there is no way in hell I think I'll ever want a serious girlfriend again. Living single just rules way too much. Several reasons, let's start....

I get to be my own boss and report to nobody. As a 24 year old guy with no girlfriend, no family within 700 miles of me and no roommates - I'm off to a great start. I never answer my phone and don't have access to the internet in my apartment. Basically, if I don't want to be in contact with anyone - that's my choice. Nobody just drops by when you live in the city and it takes 20 minutes to get to anywhere. I can easily go on hiatus and not report to anyone ever. No worries on the planet, what I do is my business and nobody else's.

I don't have to ask for permission to do things or worry if something I do will upset my girlfriend. I just do it. If it's 7pm on a random Friday and I decided I want to go snowboarding for the weekend, I don't have to worry if I already have plans with my girlfriend, if I need to take her to her gyno appointment, if her dog needs to go to the vet and I need to drive, I just go - no worries. I throw my board on Laetitia, grab $100 from the ATM, stock the cooler full of 90 Shilling or K9 Cruiser, call a friend or 3, and go riding all weekend. When I get home, I chill. I don't call anyone to tell them how it was, or take someone out to eat to make up for lost time. Instead, I sit on my ass, order a pizza, and watch my Simpson's DVDs. All while I'm doing this, you're spending quality time with your significant other talking about last week's Friends episode and listening to the latest Natalie Merchant album. Hahahhahahahha, you pansy.

I don't waste my cash buying food and flowers and all that shit for women every week. When, in the past, I've had serious girlfriends, I've taken them out to eat at least twice a week - that's about $80 a week for food alone, not to mention other shit I buy for them. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy to do it for them, if any girl is worthy of actually being my girlfriend (few are) I'll treat her like a queen, but, that isn't happening for a LONG time. For now, I'm going to save my money, make my own food and save $360 monthly on dine-outs. Bloodhound Gang lyrics:
I want my next chick anorexic, the winner is the thinner, don't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner - like SIZZLER!

I can grow facial hair whenever I want. Right Kris? (btw, that pic is like 2 years old-ish) Right now I'm going to grow some sideburns and a goatee, the goats usually last about a month whenever I do one before I'm sick of it and realize I'm getting no play, but it's my choice. I don't get bitched out or cut off from sex because of my facial hair. That stuff rules. I could do without all that damn hair that grows on my neck, but what can a guy do? Ok, this has nothing to do with anything, but here's another funny Bloodhound Gang lyric for you:
No I can't be tied down with a girl who wants to be tied up.
As you can tell, I'm listening to the Bloodhound Gang as I type this. blah...this article is going nowhere in a hurry.

To my credit (and unfortunately, theirs), I classify every one of my ex-girlfriends as fucking gorgeous. Not cute, not hot, not beautiful - they are all fucking gorgeous. When you're out on a date with your gorgeous girlfriend, new girls think you must be an awesome guy to score a girl that hot. This works in my favor a ton. So all these tons of women who have seen me with girl X who I dated for 8 months see that I'm now single, they approach me. I can just play around and not even hit on them as they're the ones hitting on me. It works I tell you. So now, as a single man, I have random hot girls who I'm slight acquaintances with coming up to talk to me. New hot chicks see me talking to this hot chick, and the "chick tree" (as opposed to family tree) just continues to grow. Even if I don't hook up with these new chicks, I become friends with them. All hot chicks are friends with other hot chicks. I'm telling you - date one hot chick for 8 months and you're in like Flynn.

A toast written on our "signature banner" we had in college - "Here's to sleeping triple, seeing double, and living single." That's the best toast in the history of taking shots, but one thing - remember to live and die by those words.

I just came up with an idea, I'm actually going to write all of my ex-girlfriends (except one) and ask them to write a testimonial ad for me on how great of a boyfriend I was. Hell, I'll even ask girls I've dated once or twice to do the same thing. All my ex-girlfriends have a ton of respect for me because they know I treated them fantastic and never made them feel anything but fantastic about themselves, even in the worst of times. Wow, what a great idea, I'll actually have proof to post how great of a boyfriend I am.

You see, living single is kicking in again. I'm going to post how awesome I am so then girls will read this and think of how much they want to be with me, then I can laugh at them and say "whhhhaaa hahahahhahaha, I don't think so insert name here, I'll date you but you'll never be my girlfriend."

This brings me to a plus-side for the women. Girls - I will no longer have to lose trust or faith in you anymore. I stick to my guns with my theory (which has NEVER been proven false) that all girls cheat. It's a fact of life that you just have to deal with. No, there isn't any exception at all, not a one. If you say you've never cheated on your boyfriend - that may be true - but you will. If you say your girlfriend has never cheated on you...one of two things is a fact 1) She will shortly 2) You're a fool, she already has and you don't know it. So now, being single with no urge to have a girlfriend, I really don't care if the girl I'm dating is dating 3 other guys at the same time, who cares? I'm doing the same thing. She tells me she has a date with another guy, I just laugh because I know she wishes it was me she was with that night. So yes, if I had a girlfriend, I'd require myself to have trust in her. Now, with no girlfriend, girls just don't get the trust in the first place - so they have nothing to lose!

Not having a girlfriend allows you to have a kickass bachelor pad. Sundays are assumed to be football all day, you will NEVER have to go shopping on a Sunday. Spring is assumed that every night is for watching hockey playoffs and drinking beer. Your living room furniture is yours, you get cool stuff on your walls, you get cool decorations instead of family-type-stuff. You can buy a big-screen TV without any worries about maybe having to spend $8000 on a ring in the very near future. You get your whole closet to yourself and can keep tools laying around on the floor so you feel like more of a man. Your bathroom rules and actually has counter space instead of 200 bottles of hair stuff. Your shower (even if you don't live together) won't have 70 shampoo bottles in it. When you go on a date, you don't have to wait 2 hours for your girl to get ready while you sit there and wait, you just go to pick the girl up at the specified time and she's ready! If you get drunk, the only thing you worry about is getting up in time for work the next morning. You can say whatever you want to any of your friends without having to hear the inevitable "I can't believe you said that in front of me". Girlfriends don't forgive easily - all other friends realize jokes and move on with the friendship. If I piss off a girl I'm dating, I don't have to do anything to get her back because I don't care if I get her back or not.

Remember like 3 or 4 paragraphs ago when I said this is going nowhere, wow, how true was that.

I'm actually ripping a Celine Dion CD right now, how pathetic am I. Rikelle lent me all her CD's so I'm ripping them all, what a long process. That's why I've been posting so much lately, I've been at my computer all day every day ripping all these damn cds. I did, however, pass up on the opportunity to rip the cranberries and coldplay because they suck (I'm in the "C" section of her cd's right now as you can tell - almost done! started at z working my way backwards)

This is so funny, I can't believe I'm going to type this. A girl I used to work with was at the bar a few weeks ago and some guy was talking to her. She works at this bar - the kid came back a few days later and said "I made you this mix tape". MIX TAPE!!! Holy shyte that's funny stuff. Who on earth makes mix tapes?! While I think this kid is absolutely pathetic, I'm going to try that I think. I'm going to dig through a box and get a random mix tape from back in the corn detasseling days, go to a bar and give my mix-tape to some girl. This is a definite win-win situation. 2 things could happen, 1) she would laugh in my face, or politely accept the tape then laugh behind my back. I get shot down - but I have a hilarious story to tell. "hey guys, i gave a girl a mix-tape at the bar the other night. she thought i was some insane psycho. it was hilarious" 2) she'd actually think it's a funny thing to do and it'd strike up a conversation. See, when you're not single, you can't hit on chicks (legally). You can't try funny pick up lines or say mean shit to chicks (ie - "looks like you missed a belt loop") without your girlfriend getting upset at you. Other examples can be found someplace on joblessjimmy.com

I don't think I'm going to post this, this article is too damn stupid. Plus the Simpson's start in 13 minutes.