"It! Is! Just! A! Couch! This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." --Lester on American Beauty

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND TIDBITS OF ADVICE
by Bryan Mack
6-15-03

If I were a female porn star, my name would be "Amber Alert".  I swear on Layne Staley's grave that I thought that up on my own.  We could make porn movies about kidnapped kids.  I'm telling you, it'd be a hit. I'm getting on the phone with Ron Jeremy in 10 minutes about this.

Staying in shape is quite easy and if you cannot stay in halfway decent shape it's nobody's fault but your own.  Here's my personal guide and instructions to stay in shape and look good for the rest of your life.  Learn it, Know it, Live it. 

Getting out of debt is quite easy to do, in fact, you can get paid to do it. Debt is a wonderful thing, it's a tool to get you good credit standing so when you actually need to get a loan for a car or a house, you can get it.  Here's my foolproof plan to using debt to your advantage - and, in a way, how to get out of debt.

College is a complete waste of time.  It's necessary to get a degree (in my opinion) just to have the piece of paper.  If/While you're in college, party every single night like I did.  There's a good bar every night (er..used to be) GPA doesn't mean shit, just pass all your classes, that's all that matters.  Don't ever pass up an opportunity for a classic college road trip.  During my college years I went to Panama City Beach, Miami, Cancun, South Padre Island, Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Colorado to ski, Kentucky, Minneapolis several times, Kansas City several times, Chicago a few times, and Madison a few times.  When else will you ever have the chance to just pack up, skip class for a few days and travel around.  Once you get a job you cannot just leave, you have to work.  But school - yeah - it's unimportant.  Live it up.

People say that college is the best years of your life.  Bullshit.  Working after college rocks.  In school (to contradict what I just said last paragraph) you have class, homework, a part-time job, and studying.  There's never a free moment.   Whereas now, when I get home from work, I'm done until the next day, I don't have to prepare for anything the next day.  My ultimate advice:  Get out of college as fast as possible (I did it with almost 2 majors in 4 years, and my last semester was 12 credits jam packed with Human Sexuality and other difficult courses).  But while you're there for 4 years, don't get stressed out - just party and travel.

Iowa State sucks now.  VEISHEA is dry.  Hunky Dory's is closed. Cy's Roost is closed.  Lost & Found is closed.  The Dean's List is no longer.  Paddy's turned into a preppy bar.  Our coaches try hooking up with other students on our rivals' campus.  We meltdown every football season like I do on hole 15 every round of Golden Tee (which by the way, has been deemed the "Mack Meltdown" by Josh and Andy as I go from -12 to +5 in just 3 holes most every time I play)

Just for arguments sake, top 4 hottest women on earth in no particular order:  Laetitia Casta (for whom my car is named after),  Brooke Burke (for whom my next car will be named after), Summer Altice (she is an absolute knockout, words can't describe her, breathtaking), Tara Dakides (her profession (professional snowboarder) makes her that much sexier as well!)

Pulp Fiction is the best movie ever and I never realized how many lines I use from that movie on a daily basis.  But the best 2 lines are 1) "That's a bold statement!"  and 2) "You just don't fuck with another man's car.  It woulda been worth him doin' it, just so I coulda caught him doin' it".   That's right...I agree with Vincent Vega.  If I could have caught the dude that did this to Laetitia, his head would be dead.

I'm not high on myself or cocky at all, oh wait - I must be, because I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to good decision making and the like, I AM NEVER WRONG!  I really never screw up so bad that I can't see the right in the things that I do.  Every time I've stood up for myself, I've ended up winning.  Be confident in your choices or you suck.

On a similar note, I'm convinced that any girl on earth would fall head over heels in love with me if she let herself.  So yeah, I guess I'm pretty high on myself.  Although I know this for a fact, I never take advantage of it.  I don't like telling girls this, I like letting them figure it out for themselves, because then by the time they've figured out how great I am, I've figured out how much I dislike them, so I save the money I would have spent on them by dating them.  

Here's my ultimate approach with women in life, and let me tell you, it's NEVER failed.  Make a horrible, HORRIBLE first impression.  This is a necessity.  If you make a good first impression on somebody, you only get worse in their eyes as time goes on.  They'll say "Wow, he's not as great as I first thought he was."   So you're viewed with a negative attitude.  On the opposite end of the spectrum (my end) - if you make a horrible first impression on somebody, you only get better in their eyes.  They'll think "Wow, he's not as bad as I first thought."  or  "Wow, he's nothing at all like I thought he'd be like!  I'm intrigued!".   Trust me - this works.  The only tricky part is getting a second chance, but if you really don't care what people think about you, like me, then you'll have no problem getting your foot back in the door.

I believe this was a thought by our friend, the late Scott Brauckman, that I stole from him, but it is a thought of a genius, and I've done this 3 or 4 times.  Make yourself look like complete shit.  Look scary if you have to. Don't shave, don't cut your hair, dress poorly, don't shower.  Do this for about 4 or 5 months.  People will forget what you used to be like.  People will think "man, look at that scruffy bastard."   Then, one day, out of the blue, cut your hair, shave, shower, put on cologne, and dress nicely.  People will be so impressed.  They'll say "Wow, he cleans up so nice!"  they'll say "You look great!"  and suddenly - the chicks will be all over you.  The irony?  You look the same as you always did in the first place, you just make people realize it again.  And again, trust me on this one - it works (even if you still wear your coveted Slipknot hat).

Worst bands/singers of all time (in no particular order):  Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson, Coldplay, John Mayer, Cranberries, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nelly, Puff Daddy (p.diddy...whatever), 

Best bands/singers of all time (in no particular order):  Slipknot, Stone Sour, deftones, Alice In Chains, Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Johnny Cash, Kenny Chesney, Rage Against the Machine, and of course - FLEETWOOD MAC!!!!!

King Soopers Sucks.  Safeway is o.k., Albertsons sucks majorly, cub foods sucks.  Hy-Vee rocks.  If you live in the Midwest - cherish your hy-vee grocery store.  Man, grocery stores in Denver SUCK!

I detest talking on the phone.  I never answer my phone, so don't bother calling me.  Honestly, it could be Brooke Burke calling me telling me this is my one chance for a date with her, it'll show up on my caller ID as "Brooke Burke", I'll pick up my phone, look at it, and say "Humph, I really don't want to pick up the phone."  So I don't answer.  Point: don't take it personal that I don't call you on my own or return your call, I just really really really hate the phone.  On a similar note - today's society sucks.  For the simple fact that I have a cell phone, people assume they can reach me whenever and wherever I am.  False.  I carry my phone with me in case I NEED to call someone, but yeah, I still don't answer it.  Which is why my voice mail message says something along the lines of "This is Bryan, I didn't answer my phone.  It's nothing personal, but maybe it is. Later."   Man I love my voice mail message.  It covers all areas.  It basically apologizes in advance for me not answering or returning your call (by saying "it's nothing personal") and at the same time, it tells you to screw off if I don't like you ("maybe you should take it personal") .... but which is it in your case?  Is it personal or not?  Well, some things you have to just decide for yourself! :)

Best idea in the world (thought of by both myself and Matthew Renze at separate times on our own, oddly enough) - Rip all your cds to your computer.  Scan all your pictures to your computer.  And if you're REALLY into this, get a little converter and get all your VCR tapes uploaded to your computer.  Buy a DVD burner.  You can fit all your CD's and Pictures onto probably 10 DVDS.  Keep these DVDs someplace other than in your home.  Your car, your office, your parents' house.  Somewhere away from your house.  This way, when your house burns down, someone steals your cds, you spill something on your pictures, or your VCR eats your video, you have a backup of your life. A scanner will cost you $100.  CD Ripping software is free (use music match, it names all the songs for you if you have an internet connection) A DVD burner is $200ish, and DVD"s cost you about $20 for a 10 pack (i think).  Sure, it'll take some time, but it's worth a few weeks of time and $320 to have a complete backup of all your life.  Do it.

If you dump a girl, don't let her talk to you anymore, only talk to her if it's on your terms - you never know, she could be psycho.  If you get dumped justly by a girl, be her friend (if she'll let you). She'll be one of the best friends you've ever had and ever will have, and you know you have nothing to hide from her.  If you get dumped unjustly by a girl, never speak to her again, including drunken calls or if you bump into her in a mall.  Just walk away, don't even say "I'm not speaking to you".  This would defy my rule - never speak with her again. Period.  If she did this unjustly, it's her loss and make her suffer the rest of her for making a stupid decision.

Foosball + Golden Tee + Great Jukebox = Best Bar On Earth
Rap Music + Dancing = shitty bar
Patio + Expensive drinks = ok bar
cheap drinks + rap music + dancing = still a shitty bar regardless of the drink cost
great jukebox + any price drinks even when there's no foosball or golden tee = Fantastic Bar.

Cy's Roost in Ames, Iowa and Giggling Grizzly in Denver are the best 2 bars in the world, strictly because of their jukeboxes.  I can remember my college days walking into Cy's Roost and pumping $10 in the juke, listening to my music all night, eating buck burgers every wednesday night, playing foosball, and drinking cheap.  I'd load the juke with foreigner, floyd, sublime, blues traveler, cake, powerman 5000, the doors, etc. - it'd be something for everyone and I'd enjoy the music all night long.  Now I can go to Giggz on a Thursday, drink buck draws all night, and load the juke with sublime, rage against the machine, radiohead, floyd, rob zombie, and widespread panic and just chill all night.  Man, a good jukebox just makes a bar.  But on the same token, a shitty DJ can just ruin a bar!

That's all for now, take 'er easy.  And if she's real easy, take 'er twice.

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