"I think anybody is able to do anything for anybody on any given day." --Paul Tuttle Jr.

Come join me in the quiet community of Fleetville, U.S.A.
by Bryan Mack
07-06-03

I've shared this idea of my lifelong dream with several of you over the course of the years.  And as I sit here watching Terminator 2 and listening to Sludge Factory, I have decided to place my idea into words.  My lifelong dream is to have my own gated community.  I really don't know where it will be located as of yet, but it will most likely be somewhere with access to both water and mountains within 100 miles or so.  This gated community will be called Fleetville.  Let's start from scratch.

In the winter of 2007, numbers will make me a lucky man.  7, 8, 20, 21, 23 and 40.  These magic numbers are going to allow me to win $200 million in the Powerball lottery.  I've never been a greedy man in most ways, so I don't think God has any problem giving me the $200 million I'm asking Him to grant me with.  ($200 million dollars doesn't make me greedy, does it?)  When I win my $200 million, $50 million of this is going into the Fleetville fund.  I will keep $10 million for myself, donate $40 million to various charities and the Seattle Seahawks, and $100 million, my friends, goes to you.  I will select 200 people and give them each $500,000, but in order to receive this $500,000, you have to sign an agreement. It'll look a bit like this:

I hereby promise to keep $200,000 of this in the bank at all time to never be spent.  I promise to use the interest from this $200,000 to pay for all my taxes, utilities, and necessary expenses for the rest of my life.  From here I will select someone to give this $200,000 to upon my passing from this earth so they may have the luxury of never paying another bill in their life.  With $200,000 of the money, I hereby promise to build a home in Fleetville, USA which will not be able to ever be sold.  I need not live in this home permanently, but I must spend $200,000 - no more, no less, on this home.  I hereby realize that the remaining $100,000 is mine to do with as I please.

Yes, you have to sign something like that, but I'll have a lawyer write it up so it will hold legally.  So now we have a start to Fleetville.  We have 201 homes being built (mine + the 200).  Everybody living in Fleetville is a friend of mine.  There's no bullshit going on in this town.  No dogs are allowed in Fleetville.  In fact, Fleetville is basically a "summer home" for everyone.  You can come and go as you please, you can live there permanently if you'd like.  There is a food court (as opposed to entire mall), 2 bars, and a gas station in Fleetville, but nothing else.  The food court will contain a Chipotle, The Streetside Eatery, and probably a Wendy's or something.  The 2 bars will rule.  One, obviously, will be a strip club.  This strip club is only allowed to play thrasher metal music for the dancers and drinks, my friends, are free.  Lap dances, my friends, are free.  You have to pay a "duty" to live in Fleetville, this will come out of your interest in the $200,000 in the bank.  This interest will be given to the stripper fund, bar fund, etc etc etc.  The gas station will be the "No Bullshit" gas station I spoke of in a rant entitled Gas Stations - What The Fuck?!  And our second bar will be a combination of Cy's Roost, Lost & Found, Hunky Dory's, and Old Chicago.  There will be 10 or so big screen TV's, 10 or so foosball tables, 10 or so pool tables, a big country music dance floor, and waitresses with the shot-glass holsters :)

Are you excited to live here yet?  Get this - there's no cops in Fleetville.  We're all friends here.  You don't lock your door at night.  You don't take the keys out of your car.  The community is gated so no intruders will get in.  There'll be a security man watching the gate 24 hours a day.  This will rule.  There's 200 homes, you can have your wife or girlfriend live with you, but nobody else.  This way our enemies cannot be welcomed into the community.  All new members of Fleetville who wish to move there must be unanimously agreed upon before they will be allowed to move in.  Yes, we'll be an elite bunch.  I mean really, with 201 of us, there's bound to be at least 4 or 5 good parties every night.  Maybe a party of 20 people, maybe 4 people, maybe 201 people!  The parties will rule.  At these parties, outside women are allowed, but not outside men.  None.  We will post flyers around the city inviting women, our security guard will allow the good looking ones in, and that's it.  We don't have to worry about driving drunk.  This is private land.  You won't get pulled over.  You can do whatever you want while you're on this private property.  

I know you all want to live there already, I can tell.  I mean seriously, if you all actually come to read what I do every day on my News page, it's obvious that either my life is very interesting or yours is very boring.  I'm not that exciting of a person, yet you all come to read about me and my thoughts quite often.  This leads me to believe that you would love to live in my community.  There'll be pictures of you on the New Pix page all the time.  We will get to unite several groups of friends.  The Carroll, Iowa friends, the Muscatine friends, the Denver friends - we can all be one happy family, er, community.

There's so many different groups of us as friends, we're so diverse.  There's dancers, singers, drinkers, athletes, stoners, partiers, movie freaks, idiots, geniuses, computer geeks, engi-nerds, designers, truck drivers, preachers, musicians, dorks, and people cool as ice.  If you want to do anything, you're assured that someone living within a block or two of you is always available to join you.  Want to go snowboard?  Go out your front door and scream it to the neighborhood, someone will join you.  Want someone to go running with?  Want to play foosball?  Want to go to the bar?  Just walk down to the bar, someone will be there who you already know.  This just rocks, I'm so excited.

By the way, another rule of thumb, everyone who lives in Fleetville is required to buy 1 powerball ticket every week.  This is 200 powerball tickets a week which translates to just over 10,000 lottery tickets a year.  If we do this for 10 years, we've got like a 1/10 chance of winning powerball again and doubling our community's size! Needless to say, I'll never have to work again as I will be a millionaire.  You may have to keep a job, but don't let it stress you.  While I'm on my day off (every day), I plan on helping you out since you're at work.  I'll mow lawns every day, pick up trash, that kind of stuff.  It'll keep me busy.  You already have a house paid for and you have $300,000 in your bank with no bills ever.  You should be able to easily get by on a job that pays you $20,000 a year or so.  What will you honestly need to buy?  A car?  You can make payments on that.  Remember - you're paying no rent or mortgage whatsoever.  You need to buy food and clothes and that's about it.  Don't stress it.  Hell, the ladies of Fleetville can feel welcome to be strippers at our strip club.  You can work at our local Chipotle (no, spell check, I didn't want that to say "tiptoe"...man I hate Microsoft) or gas station or whatever.  This is sounding like a communistic community.  Just remember that this is where you live, not who you're governed by.  Just consider these community rules.  This wouldn't work on a nation-wide aspect, but for a community this small, this idea could work.

Once a year or so we'll have a huge downtown bash.  Say, for instance, that this community is somewhere in Denver, once a year or so I'll hire about 20 limos or so to bring us all downtown.  We'll hit up the bar scene all over and just take downtown over.  No need to worry about drunk driving, then we'll bring random hotties (no, spell check, I didn't want that to say "hog ties") back to the after-hours party in Fleetville. 

I'm sick of typing.

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