Stacy Fuson Murdered Me

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"DROP TABLE quotes;" --Matthew Renze

Stacy Fuson Murdered Me
09-26-06
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For whatever reason, I was lying in a bed when Stacy Fuson came up to me. She tells me she is a prostitute and would like to sleep with me, only at 35% of her normal rate. Seeing how she is a member of my unofficial "Top 10 Hottest Women On Earth" list, I comply. Then she says she likes me and will waive the 35% fee if she can stay with me through the night. I again comply. I don't recall doing the deed, however, I assure you I must have hooked up with her. The next morning, Stacy asks me if I'll go to dinner. I say no. Then she asks if I'll accompany her to court, where she's due to make an appearance. I again say no. She asks why, and I tell her that I can't spend that much time with a single person (which is true in my real life as well) as I need some time alone. Stacy storms off in disapproval.

The next thing I know, I'm Jason Melon from Back to School. My dad (Rodney Dangerfield) and I are on jury duty. Thornton (my dad, Rodney's character from Back to School) is acting similarly to how he did in the movie, trying to buy our way out of jury duty. He writes up a bunch of fake notes from another judge saying we're already on jury duty in another court. We apparently have to take a thesaurus class (a class in which we'd learn to use different words in our sentences, like a thesaurus would teach you) for this other jury duty and cannot attend this one. The judge is upset, yet reluctantly releases us from his courtroom.

I'm now in the Carroll, Iowa courthouse having lunch in a classroom setting (yet in the lobby, huh) where we're waiting for our number to be called (for a reason which is unbeknownst to me). As I'm eating, I'm bragging out loud about how I got out of jury duty, and I look to my right and the judge who reluctantly released us is sitting next to me. He reimnds me of the old guy who dies in the bathroom in Clerks. He is livid, screaming at me telling me I'd made the worst mistake of my life for lying to get out of jury duty. I am very worried and I leave the courthouse.

On my way out, I see Stacy Fuson sitting on the steps with her daughter, who appears to be about 8 years old (I don't know if she has a daughter in real life). She says something to me, begging me to go to court with her, but I again refuse. As I see her walk into the courthouse, I think (Arrested Development-style) "I've made a huge mistake." I chase after Stacy into the courthouse, realizing I have the chance to be with a "Top 10" woman of my dreams! However, I cannot locate her.

I begin to walk home from what is now the funeral home in Carroll to my parents' house, past Carroll Middle School, when I realize I must sprint back to the courthouse and try to meet up with Stacy again. Suddenly, I'm in a trailor home and Stacy is on top of me making out with me. She says she desperately wants me, we should run away together, only we're broke. I tell her I have access to $500,000 immediately, and she begins laughing. Suddenly, two men who look like The Savage Brothers from Mystic River (wow, why does everyone in this dream look like someone famous?!) arrive, find out how to get the money, and shoot me in the face. I die.