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"All our lives all we ever sacrificed has paid. Everything is possible to me." --Slipknot - Scream

Chiefs game, Grand Theft Auto
10-06-06
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I was at a Chiefs/49ers football game and everyone had these hats on that said something about how ugly Larry Johnson’s wife was. These were the Chiefs fans, and they were making fun of their own player. Suddenly, Mike B@dding is sitting behind me, and he says “Mack, ain’t LJ’s girl an ugly bitch?” I tell him that I’ve never seen her, but I think it’s rude of people to be talking about his wife like this. I say, “It’s not like she’s A.J. Smith’s wife!” (I have no idea who A.J. Smith is)

I decide I need to go check out Larry Johnson’s wife myself. I drive down to his house and simply walk in the door. I’ve got a video camera and am walking down this long, wide hallway … something out of an enormous hotel is what it feels like. The walls are lined with these huge Victorian mirrors, and I am carrying a video camera. I glance into a mirror and see that I am, in fact, Larry Johnson.

I hear some chatting, it must be the wife. I duck behind a couch and sneak my head around the corner to see an absolutely stunning black woman. I immediately think, “Wow, they were wrong, his wife is hot!” I go and sneak on a computer to see if maybe they had the wrong girl. I go to this website that has pictures of all of Larry Johnson’s ex-girlfriends, they are all very hot.

Satisfied with my discovery, I leave LJ’s house. I am now me again (as opposed to when I was him according to the reflection in the mirror). As I step outside into the pitch black, I am looking at Laetitia (my car) and I notice the window is shattered and I see a red light inside my car. I look down, and the red light is on my heart, only it looks like one of the bull’s-eyes painted on Longs Peak – someone has drawn a bead on me.

Now let me give you a small tidbit of background here. Laetitia has a car alarm which, if set off, disables the starter until the alarm remote’s button is pushed. Basically, if someone breaks into her, they cannot steal her.

I just hear a voice from inside my car say, “Disable the alarm or you’re dead.” Realizing that they have a bead on me, and realizing that I already lost my 2^nd most prized possession in the world (my bracelet), I decide that there is no way in hell I’m giving these thieves my car. I say “Go fuck yourself.” I duck behind a conversion van and pull my .40 Glock out from underneath, thank God for that CCW permit! They start firing at me, and from below the van, I can see their feet moving towards me. I am counting their gunshots. One of them runs out of bullets while the other has a few left. They pass me and are about 20 feet past me (they are walking away from Laetitia, I am between them and Laetitia now). I jump into the street and start firing at them, and the one with bullets fires back at me. Finally they take off running, and I decide to start firing at them. I nail the one who is further away, he goes down. The other guy gets pissed off and starts sprinting for me, he looks like M.C. Eiht (or should I continue? Yeah you left out the “g” cuz the “G” ain’t in you!). I shoot him in the heart and he dies instantly.

I start walking back to my car down the middle of the street. On the sidewalk to my left, a guy wearing all an all baby-blue sweat suit starts running for me yelling “We brotha’s stick together, you can’t do that to us!” He throws me to the ground and starts kicking me. Somehow I get up and kick him in the face numerous times, beating his face to a bloody pulp. He punches me in the nuts to the point where I almost pass out, and he gets on top of me and starts kicking the shit out of me. Again, I regain control and kick him until he’s near being unconscious.

Suddenly, Duane drives up in his silver Mustang (his real car). He looks INSANELY pissed off and asks me if I still have the gun, I say “yes”. He asks for it. He’s my good friend, so I hand him the gun. He asks why I don’t shoot this guy, and I remind Duane that he is unarmed and I fight fire with fire. I will not shoot an unarmed man … or an armed man, for that matter, unless he has his weapon drawn. Just then, the guy I just beat up looks at Duane and says “Help, I really need a dentist!” Duane says, “I’ve got your dentist right here!” And he shoots him right in the stomach with my one remaining bullet, but keeps pulling the trigger anyways.

The guy, so near death you can feel it, starts screaming “Why did you do this to me?!” The cops are all there by now, and they say “He did it in self-defense, we have the entire thing on video tape.” (off-dream note: I can tell you right now this dream is happening as a result of the story I heard today about Jamal Tinsley and some other Pacers acting similarly to me in self-defense).

I decide to walk home, everyone is on the streets now as the crime scene is flooded with cops, and they let me go home. I am walking by families, eavesdropping as I hear them say “I’ve heard gunshots but I’ve never actually watched someone die until tonight, man that’s freaky!” I just laugh.

While walking home, I see Heather Graham on top of a building hollering at me, so I go up to her place. Her roommate is Garth from Anchorman and Garth wanted to show me his vast baseball card collection. I ask Garth for some pizza and beer, he says, “I have pizza, but we have no beer. Let’s all put in $20 and I’ll go to the store and buy some.” Long pause. “Ok, maybe only $10. When we’re rich someday we can spend $20/ea.”

The end.