"I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: 'Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.'" --Mitch Hedberg

My Dream on the evening of 2-18-03

 I was at the bachelor party of some person I don’t remember.  We were near a drawbridge, similar to the one on Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  I was at this bachelor party with Zak Fleming and I didn’t know anybody.  We were, for some reason, nailing the end of the drawbridge to this tree, but Zak wouldn’t let me nail it to this tree in particular because the tree was too young, and he said there is no reason I should be putting nails into a tree this young.  Shortly after we were done nailing the drawbridge to the tree anyway, we proceeded to go to the local Hy-Vee – which just so happened to be fully equipped with a full bar, being tended by my friend Josh.  I ordered a beer and Zak decided to go grocery shopping at in the Hy-Vee while I just sat belly-up at the bar for awhile.  I took my shirt off (my ISU mesh tank-top) and went up to throw something away but couldn’t find a trashcan.  I then noticed that Adam O’Brien was working a checkout lane, but was standing on some box that made him appear roughly 10 feet tall.  I asked Adam to throw my piece of trash away for me, he complied with my request.  Suddenly Stephanie calls me and tells me her Mom is missing.  Come to think of it – everyone who was at the bachelor party was reported missing and feared dead, and seeing how I was at the bachelor party – she is worried that I may be kidnapped shortly.  We now realize that Zak is missing.   I tell Josh I need to pay my tab at this hy-vee bar and I go find my ISU tank-top and put it back on.  I proceed to get another phone call from Stephanie who tells me that her mom is officially missing for good.   I immediately go to Stephanie’s house so we may try to find her Mom.  When I get there, I am now laying on the ground and Steph tells me her cat is acting very strangely lately, I ask why.  She says “LindseyLou (her cat) found out that both I and my Mom have been seeing Mike Tyson, she isn’t very happy about this.”  Suddenly, Lindsey Lou sprints up to me and sinks her teeth into my neck, the way a pit-bull would do this.   I put my pillow over Lindsey Lou and elbow her (sorry Steph!) until she stops biting my neck – which is now spraying blood everywhere.  Suddenly, Stephanie and I realize how blatantly obvious it is where Zak and her Mom have been kidnapped to – they are in the basement of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs in a dungeon.  We immediately go to the house and are greeted by butterfly larvae, similar to those from the movie.  We go to the dungeon, fully equipped with night-vision, I shoot Buffalo Bill and we rescue Zak and Josie.  Stephanie then tells me she got married last night to Warren from There’s Something About Mary.

The End.